Photo: H. ARMSTRONG ROBERTS/Corbis via
Photo: H. ARMSTRONG ROBERTS/Corbis via

Oh, that’s funny, Lisa is still logged into OpenTable from that time her phone died and she had to use mine to confirm that reservation to Timna in the East Village. Who would have thought they would make experimental Mediterranean food? Brilliant. How do I log out…? Well, I mean she stayed logged in because she trusts me, right? I feel like if I just glance at it…

Reservation for 3 at RubirosaNYC at 9:00 PM, September 6th

Wow, what a throwback. That was such a good birthday. Was that the time we ran into Selena Gomez knee-deep in the burrata margherita pizza? That was so funny. Wish I’d gotten that on Snapchat. Huh, that’s odd. It says here that she made the reservation the day of. Did she forget about my birthday? She did post on my Facebook wall with the gregarious but slightly demure “hbd” at 3 PM, which I remember thinking was curiously late in the day. At that point, I was already sobbing with my framed degree in Sociology in my lap, reflecting on another year of mediocrity, or, as my therapist likes to describe it: “strategic career moves.” I mean, I’m only 26, I feel fine—

Okay, definitely not going down that road again. Lisa didn’t forget my birthday. We’ve been friends for a number of years! I knew her mom’s name at one point. I think she died, though…

Reservation for 4 at Fuku+ at 12:00 PM, October 9th

What? Why wasn’t I invited to this!? I love experimental hamburgers. I definitely remember suggesting this at one point. Who are the three other people Lisa’s friends with? If she brought Sharon and not me, I might die. Wait a minute—October 9th ? This is definitely when Lisa was a “practicing vegan,” whatever the fuck that means. You practice religions, Lisa, not fad lifestyles. Whatever, I’m not even mad. I went there with John the other day, and it wasn’t even that good. This is why I will never trust Zagat ratings, in the same way I don’t trust Yelp restaurant reviews. I mean, have you ever noticed that every single Chipotle on the planet has a 3.5+ star rating? Can’t trust anyone these days, especially not people on Yelp, since Yelp just crowdsources cheap, fat people. Like Sharon.

Reservation for 2 at Lowlife at 8:30 PM, October 27th

Was this when she was seeing Luke? I told her he was no good for her. Like what guy makes the girl make the reservation? Ugh, wait a minute, I’m supposed to be more critical of gender roles. Watching Transparent has really had a positive effect on my political correctness. Thank god for Jill Soloway, am I right? Wait… I think it just hit me why it’s called “transparent.” The girl is a trans parent. Un. Real. I bet no one has thought about this. I’m going to write this down in my dream journal so I don’t forget about it.

Reservation for 6 at Babu Ji at 10:00 PM, November 13th

Indian food!? Yeah, okay Lisa, I guess you definitely “struggle with spicy food.” That’s the last time I invite you over for Taco and Margarita Tuesday with my book club. Penelope has better insights into Mindy Kaling’s new book, anyways. But, six people? Maybe she went with friends from work. Leave it to Lisa to try and impress her work friends with her “refined, well-traveled palate.” She thought a dosa was a religious garment last time we got Indian food. Why would it be on the menu, then, Lisa?

Reservation for 3 at Semilla at 7:15 PM, November 29th

Wow, that was probably the most expensive-tasting menu I’ve encountered in my entire life. Who did we go with, again? Was it my mom? No, wait, it was definitely my brother, who we thought would pick up the bill but instead insisted we go Dutch. Like, why would you to go to medical school and go through all the trouble of becoming a doctor and then work with Doctors Without Borders and get paid like a public school history teacher? Talk about self-aggrandizement. I mean every time I see him he’s like “I saved this little girl in Rwanda,” and I’m like “Cool, Luke! I’m still working at Joe’s Coffee on the Columbia campus serving nineteen year olds five-dollar lattés! Isn’t my life just so glamorous!” So much entitlement in one person. I can’t handle him.

Reservation for 5 at Sadelle’s SoHo at 11:15 AM, December 11th

Aaand, another non-invite. Whatever Lisa, I don’t even like bagels. They’re too high-calorie to warrant a mid-range insta that’s only gonna get like 115 likes.

Reservation for 2 at Gabriel Kreuther at 10:00 PM, December 31st

Looks like she ditched me on New Year’s Eve and went to my favorite restaurant without me! Whatever, I had an awesome wine night with Puddles, my cat. Got to watch the ball drop from the coziness of my own studio apartment. Reservation of 6 at—

Okay, I can’t do this anymore. My friendship with Lisa has run its course. We had a good time. We had some ups. Maybe more downs than ups, but that’s fine. I’m on a journey called life and sometimes things are hard but that doesn’t mean—well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. A text from Lisa. Let’s see: “Hey beautiful. Dinner tomorrow for two? Just got a reservation at your favorite place [kissy face emoji].” That’s weird, I didn’t see anything. Let me refresh the page, and…

Reservation for 2 at ABC Kitchen at 8:00 PM, Tomorrow

Lisa! ABC Kitchen is my favorite place in the city. Ugh, what a good friend. Maybe I can look past this series of transgressions and betrayals and remember all the good times we had together. Like that time we went to Central Park and played with the ducks like Holden Caulfield because we were feeling angsty. Or that time we wrote an article called “10 people you’ll meet at Stanford” for the Odyssey pretending to be college students even though neither or us went to Stanford just to see if we could get it published. Or that time we accidentally rode the subway to Queens and then Ubered back on Lisa’s boyfriend’s account because of surge pricing. That was a weird day. Okay, I’ll go to dinner tonight and see how it goes. I have to pretend like I haven’t had this incredible look into her life, though. That’ll be hard, but not impossible. It’ll be just like that time my mom stayed logged into her Facebook on my phone for seven months and I had to pretend like I didn’t know she’d been flirting with her yoga instructor, Bill. It was only a matter of time before people found out about that, though. I mean, who goes to yoga four times a week? Well, guess I did that last year when I discovered kombucha, but I had to stop that because it kept giving me too much gas. The kombucha, not the yoga.

Lisa’s calling. Okay, Puddles, I’m just gonna wipe away my tears and pull it together for this outing. Thanks for listening. I feel like you’re the only person I can trust these days. And you’re not even a person! Let me put out some milk for you really quick. I know how much you like the 2% from Whole Foods, you know, the kind in the glass bottle without all the hormones?