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Byline: Colin Pfeiffer

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StalkFest

Stalking someone is like sucking the marrow out of bones. It is disgusting both to watch and perform.

by Colin Pfeiffer on March 30, 2005March 17, 2013

From the Editors

Our Weekly Missive.

by Colin Pfeiffer on March 27, 2008March 17, 2013

The Bald Soprano and The Chairs

Princeton’s drug culture is like a moon. Once a month it is full, lustrous and can be seen from all over campus. For some, this metaphorical moon is perpetually full and bright while for others the sky above is eternally dark.

by Colin Pfeiffer on April 13, 2005March 17, 2013

Frist’s Tentacles

“It’s really big. I mean, it’s like really, really big,” a prospective Princetonian exclaimed. “Like I think my high school could, like, fit into this building. What do they do with all this space?” she queried, twirling her bleached blond hair around a manicured finger. She flounced off to catch a departing Orange Key Tour.

by Colin Pfeiffer on November 30, 2005March 17, 2013

Amo, Amas, Ahmed

When Ahmed was born those twenty or so years ago, the world was taking a piss. His mother screamed in agony as his overlarge head forced its way out of her vagina. His father, preferring oblivion to the messy, bloody process that is birth, smoked himself retarded outside the whelping chamber.

by Colin Pfeiffer on February 7, 2007March 17, 2013

Squashed Together

“We definitely weren’t the favorites going into this,” senior and captain Casey Riley said. “But we pulled it out.” Riley wasn’t exaggerating. The women’s squash team, by many counts, was not the favorite to win this year’s Howe Cup.

by Colin Pfeiffer on March 6, 2008March 17, 2013

At Your Service

NW: On the topic of religious holidays: Yom Kippur, Day of Atonement. For the Princeton students, is there anything you must atone for?

[Pregnant pause]

JW: Caring too much.

by Colin Pfeiffer on October 9, 2008March 17, 2013

Jesus Christ Supersized

John Hagee has perfected this easily accessible, easily consumed version of Christianity at Cornerstone. He has pared down the commitment, time and energy one needs to devote to religion to the barest minimum. You simply show up at 8:30, 11:00 or 6:30 on Sunday and worship. For a little over an hour, you can cleanse your soul, praise the Lord and find peace. And you don’t need to strain yourself, either. The music is simple. The message is alliterative.

by Colin Pfeiffer on April 5, 2006March 17, 2013

Beginning the Year Properly

Instead of the usual how-do-you-do, we’d like to tell a story.
There once were two bears. Both were young and happy; both led pleasant and fulfilling lives.
Or so they thought.

by Colin Pfeiffer on September 18, 2008March 17, 2013

This Just In From Egypt

But, with the surge in oil prices and the resultant focus on the Middle East, Cairo and Egypt (along with pre-bombed Beirut) became virtual Meccas of Western culture. And, of course, with the Gucci and the McDonald’s came the fitness clubs. Appearing like empty candy wrappers after a night of THC-induced debauchery, these clubs came complete with ellipticals, aerobics classes and muscle-bound personal trainers. Catering to the Cairene elite, the gyms cover all the bases: massage parlors, multiple steam rooms, kickboxing and hip-hop classes and, of course, the smoothie bar

by Colin Pfeiffer on October 4, 2006March 17, 2013

Fear and Loathing at the Freshman Formal

When I heard about the Freshman Formal my mind immediately flipped to “Prom: The College Edition.” At first I didn’t even plan on going to the Formal.

by Colin Pfeiffer on April 6, 2005March 17, 2013

A Conversation with the Editors

Ca: I think we need to have a talk.

Cb: What about?

Ca: I didn’t actually call you in here to take a shower. I called you in here for something else.

Cb: What’s that?

Ca: I called you in here because I think you have a drinking problem.

by Colin Pfeiffer on October 2, 2008March 17, 2013


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