It’s hard to miss the flyers across campus proclaiming our need of a Center for Abstinence and Chastity. Hotly contested articles in the Prince and a weeklong lecture series on the subject, spearheaded by Robbie George, further increase the prominence of the debate. Proponents for the Center argue that the University must meet the needs of all of its students, including those who choose to abstain from sexual gratification until marriage. Largely members of the Anscombe Society, these supporters assert that chaste Princetonians deserve a save haven from the pressures of a campus environment that generally condones casual sex and overt sexuality. They find that the Sexual Health Advisors cannot meet their sexual needs because, as supporters of chastity, they are not sexual. Further, they suggest that University opposition to the Center stems from the liberal sensitivities of the administration.

Liberal though I may be, I am not one to deny any human being the right to equal representation on campus. While a Center for Abstinence and Chastity would be costly during these trying economic times and could potentially go widely unused, it is not my place to say that the (highly marginalized) morally upstanding minority on campus should be denied a meetinghouse, or that any microcosm of the student body should be denied, for that matter. In fact, I would like to take this opportunity to support a newly formed proposal that would invigorate the Campus Club environment while simultaneously providing employment for our community, both our University community and the community at large.

We must acknowledge that, as it stands, Campus Club is barely turning a profit. It’s too close to Frist and it does not satisfy the needs of students trickling off the Street after a night out. Late at night, it has coffee and pastry-type snacks, not pizza and water and bread. All in all, the campus response has not been one of excessive praise. However, with just a few adjustments, Campus Club can and will provide a service that students can enjoy: sex for money.

Historically, the bordello has been a center of satisfaction and wellness for many paying customers. European red-light districts are famous for their lovers for hire. Tourists flock to these districts annually, all just to snap a few photos and buy souvenir sex toys. Who doesn’t want a few more tourists snapping photos on campus? That is where Campus Club comes in.

This proposal for Campus Club suggests that the University should transform the former eating club/current disaster area into our own campus sporting house. However, unlike traditional institutions of similar nature, the Campus Club bordello, tentatively titled the Gräfenberg Center for Sexual Endeavors, would cater to more than just men. Sex workers would be male, female, non-gender, straight, gay, bisexual, transgender, etc. There certainly exists on campus a student demographic of nymphomaniacs, thrill-seekers, and desperate virgins. All of these types of student need a place to turn to suit their needs, and the Gräfenberg Center for Sexual Endeavors would certainly provide.

Economically, if all goes according to plan with the G-Center, the position of sex worker will become the highest paying Federal Work Study job on campus. Right now, the highest paid shifts in the libraries and dining halls, etc., pay around fifteen dollars an hour, which is certainly not bad pay. However, sex workers at the G-Center would make as much in just a few minutes of each of their shifts, meaning that students would only need to work once a week, leaving them more time for school work and afterschool activities such as belly dancing and gospel choir. The best part is that, besides a small stipend paid by the University, sex workers’ wages would not come out of Princeton’s pocket!

Some positions within the G-Center would be made available to members of the greater Princeton community (MILF, anyone?) meaning that the University would be providing jobs for those in need, allowing us as an institution to give back to the community that nurtures us. It is in the University’s best interest to foster good relations between the school and the people most affected by our presence: township residents.

In terms of student health and the Princeton “hook-up culture,” the opening of a campus comfort battalion is a great idea. Many students, if able to turn to sex workers, would find that the alleviation of their near-debilitating hormonal urges allows them to develop more meaningful relationships with others. Removing sexual tension from budding relationships of any type certainly decreases the likelihood that a hook-up arrangement will ensue. Further, because the G-Center would be organized and regulated, the spread of sexually transmitted infections on campus would be drastically restricted. Every worker considered for hire would first have to pass a rigorous screening process to ensure sexual health. Potential employees who do not pass will not be tossed to the side to face stigma and shame alone, either. Rather, the G-Center will make certain that such cases will be handled delicately and that those affected will receive treatment and, if necessary, counseling. Upon getting a position at the G-Center, sex workers will take monthly STI tests. It will be G-Center policy that all liaisons require the use of condoms, as well. While I cannot in good conscience say that all workers will abide by this policy, the STI screenings will be unavoidable, thus ensuring the safety of visitors.

When you consider the amount of students having unsafe sex on campus, the unsavory economic climate, the currently stagnant Campus Club, and how a bordello would rectify all of these issues, you cannot help but to endorse the Gräfenberg Center for Sexual Endeavors. It is a win-win situation for the University and the student body. Students who have grown bored with their library jobs will appreciate the new work opportunity and students who like sex will be satisfied in a safe manner. Most importantly, of course, the Gräfenberg Center for Sexual Endeavors would create a safe and inviting atmosphere for those marginalized nymphomaniacs and unwilling-virgins in our campus community. As always, making Princeton the best place it can be is the priority.