“‘Ere we come, ‘ere we come, ‘ere we come to eat some snacks!” That’s the song you sing as you roll your way to the feeding tubes, you glutinous masses of orca-fat-fattened lard-balls! And what do you have to say for yourselves? Nothing, because your mouths are blocked up by the pendulous weight of your sagging cheeks and you have forgotten all words except “more” and “a little bit more” and “perhaps just another dollop.” Winter is coming, my heavies, and soon you will be able to hibernate while your body slowly breaks down your tit-fat. But as the leaves change, there is still a bit of time for a fall diet.

This week, in preparation for the diet, I would like you to use your prying sticks and wedge yourselves out of bed. That’s right. Almost got it. Don’t give up now, you are practically upright, just one more push, you can do it. There we go! Now, before you collapse, I want you to place your hand over your heart. No, not to eat it, you person-as-big-as-the-earth, I want you to make a pledge. Now, repeat after me:

“I solemnly swear to stay true to the diet of the week as long as I live. If I fail, may I be judged as a drain on society and the least attractive being on earth, including the weevil, the leopard slug, the leper and the ugly-nosed vomit-beetle.”

Well done. You’ve earned a treat. Joking, joking, you deserve no treats ever. Now, without further ado, the diet:


What, you don’t like that? You want something else? Alright, fine, come here, I’ll give you something different. That’s right, come closer. SMACK! Right in the mouth! You like it? You want one more, that one didn’t fill you up? SMACK! Caught you in the eye, that time? Sorry, meant to hit your mouth, but your face is all smothered in flesh so’s I can’t quite discern SMACK! Shit, didn’t see that one coming myself, I just felt moved to slap you, like divine inspiration told me to smack your insanely fat mouth.

I’m sorry. Really. I know that this diet is in poor taste because violence is never the right option but SMACK! Oh God! It feels so right to smack you, you have no idea, seeing as you’re the one getting the slaps and all but if you could be me for one second you’d understand. It’s something about the way my smack resounds off your cheeks it just feels SMACK! Haha! It feels so good! I can hardly describe how good it feels to smack your fat mouth.

And you keep taking it because you keep thinking its food.

But its always gonna be a smack.

Because that’s the diet of the week.

I hate you fatties.