The earth flies off its axis. The world is aflame. Fields and forests turn to ash. Ink runs dry. Print journalism is dead. It’s the apocalypse, and in its last death rattle, the illustrious Nassau Weekly decides to leave one more gift to humanity, to create the only remembrance of our time on earth, to cement an eternal legacy—to publish THE LAST LIST.

  1. 22 Pounds I Gained
  2. 7, Maybe 8 Depending on How You Measure, Reasons Why You Should Come Back to My Room
  3. 2,380 Reasons I Deserve to Be Here
  4. Top 10 House Pets I’d Honestly Be Fine With Eating
  5. Top 10 Suppositories
  6. 7 Fragile Wishbones That Are Just As Fragile As Normal Wishbones
  7. 23 Vasectomies
  8. 500 Miles the Proclaimers Would Walk
  9. 500 More They Wouldn’t
  10. 525,600 Minutes
  11. 15 Stars That Might Just Be Airplanes
  12. 77 Grape Seeds That Look Like Alan Rickman
  13. 15 Quotes From Goodnight Moon to Remind You That Death Is Imminent
  14. 23 Celebrity Haircuts That I Thought About Getting but Eventually Decided Against
  15. 19 Jesus Toasts That Also Resemble Maria Sharapova
  16. 31 Maria Sharapova Look-Alikes Who May or May Not Actually Look Like Maria Sharapova
  17. 77 Pictures of the Insides of Totino’s Pizza Rolls
  18. 101 Pizza Rolls That Sparked My Sexual Awakening
  19. 101 Most Eccentric Clauses From My Parents’ Custody Agreement
  20. Top 6 Highlights From My Parents’ Custody Hearing
  21. Top 5 Ways I Caused My Parents’ Divorce
  22. 72 Colors That Aren’t Orange or Light Blue
  23. 2 Chainz
  24. 14 Best Openings in Rock Paper Scissors
  25. 45 U.S. Presidents in No Order
  26. Top 0 Female U.S. Presidents
  27. 2,000 Words My Essay Doesn’t Have
  28. 17 Old Notes I Found on My iPhone When I Was Incredibly Blazed and Looking at Old Notes on My iPhone
  29. 14 Types of Algae I Found in the Still Water Pooling on the Hood of the Grill I Don’t Use Anymore Next to My Home the Other Day
  30. 61 New Yorker Cartoons That Actually Made Me Laugh
  31. 73 Web Domain Names With No Vowels
  32. 7 Clouds That Look Kinda Weird, Huh?
  33. 7 Things Only the Chattanooga, Tennessee Police Chief Will Understand
  34. We Can’t Wait to Watch These 12 Crumbling Cities Collapse Into Hellish Wastelands
  35. 4 Colors
  36. Are These 7 Mushrooms Safe to Eat? (We’re Asking)
  37. 10 🔮’s That Could 👻 in the Next Few Days
  38. Best Gaspar Noé Movies for Date Night
  39. 19 Ways to Make Your Maxxinista Outfit Look More Expensive Than a Happy Meal
  40. 16 Spells From Harry Potter That Actually Work When Spoken by Bushbabies
  41. 3.5 Billion Men Who Probably Have Bigger Penises Than You
  42. 16 Ways to Come Out to Your Parents in Furbish
  43. 12 Coasters Your Husband Will Fucking Want to Use
  44. 34 Teeth You’ve Lost
  45. 13 Stovetops to Touch to See If They’re Actually Hot (They Are)
  46. 3 Friends to Text “Free to Catch the USG Movie This Weekend?” ((They Are) They Won’t Tho)
  47. Top 5 Middle School Crushes Named Will Kleinman That You Never Got Over Will If You’re Reading This Please Accept My Friend Request and If You’re in New York I’d Love to Catch Up Over Lunch or Something or Maybe Just Coffee I’ve Always Loved You
  48. 17 Names for That One Patch of Hair Under Your Nipple
  49. 9 Ways to Address the Fact That Your Hands Are Still Slightly Wet After Using a Starbucks Bathroom That Only Had an Electric Hand Dryer
  50. 90 Possible Pseudonyms to Use When Dropping Off Your Dry Cleaning
  51. 90 Possible Pseudonyms to Use When Buying Crack
  52. 90 Possible Pseudonyms to Use for Embezzling
  53. 90 Homonym Pairs
  54. Top 2 Parents Who Have Failed Me
  55. 101 Reasons Why I Fantasize About Murdering My Father
  56. Top 10 Softboys You Meet in Your Fallout Bunker
  57. 7 Publications You Should Be Reading Instead of the Nass
  58. 12 Alternatives to Capitalism
  59. 120 Ways to Seem Like a Socialist When You Own a Canada Goose
  60. 23 Tumblr Posts That Prove You Are Alone
  61. 102 Countries the Tory Should Annex
  62. Top 10 Hottest Tory Editors
  63. Michelle Obama Shopping List
  64. 10 Ways to Show You Own a Juul Without Saying Explicitly That You Have a Juul
  65. 10 Ways to Ask for Juul Pods at a Party
  66. 120 Ideas for Theta Formals Themes
  67. 10 Lists
  68. 10 Numbers
  69. 15 Best Lightbulbs in Firestone
  70. 10 Hottest Freshmen Who Would Totally Not Survive the Apocalypse
  71. 10 Hottest Freshmen Who Would Incite the Next Apocalypse
  72. 10 PFA Members Who Will Not Get Raptured
  73. Peter Singer’s Top 10 Hottest Animals
  74. 10 Babies Peter Singer Has Murdered
  75. 10 Trains Peter Singer Has Diverted
  76. 110 Reasons I Don’t Want Peter Singer to Be the Model for AI for Self Driving Cars
  77. 15 Hot Stocks Post Wall Street
  78. Top 10 Money Laundering Fronts on Nassau St.
  79. 14 Ways to Interpret the Painting of the Naked Woman on the Wall
  80. 30 Ways Nass Writers Justify Having Not Done Press Club
  81. 15 Econ Undergrads Who Are Going to Jail for Insider Trading
  82. 4 Princeton Alumni Who Didn’t Serve Humanity
  83. 200 Thongs the Nass Will Sell You for a Reasonable Price
  84. 100 Reasons Why This Isn’t Really a Multilevel Marketing Scheme
  85. 100 Reasons Princeton Can’t Divulge Its Investment Strategies
  86. Eisgruber’s Top 10 Favorite Private Prisons
  87. 100 Reasons Woodrow Wilson Was Probably a Really Nice Guy
  88. 13 Reasons Why Not
  89. 12 Angriest Men
  90. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
  91. 10 Compromising Photos of Kim Jong Un
  92. 5 Ways to Make the Most of Parents Weekend
  93. 10 People Who Are Actually on the Access Hollywood Take
  94. 110 Fun Ways to Cross the North Korean Armistice Line
  95. 10 Ways to Keep Christian Bischoff Out of Your Post-Apocalyptic Farm Paradise
  96. 25 Lists That Got Cut
  97. 25 Random Strangers I Like More Than My Own Mother
  98. 15 Darkest Things I Would Do for a Spelman Suite
  99. Top 10 Secret Menu Items at Small World
  100. All St. A’s Members
  101. 20 Philosophy Theses That Would Have Saved Us From the Apocalypse
  102. Top 10 Types of Water in the Dining Hall
  103. 127 Claimed Rap Names
  104. The One Thing I Wouldn’t Do for a Klondike Bar