Said a pseudo-American prophet, “p— is sooooo crucial!” I am really American, so I believe in this very hard. And, as really important things must happen in cool places (the defenestration of Prague was in the castle, births and deaths happen in hospitals, Super Mash Bros mashed it up at Quad-rangle), it fully spurred me to think more critically and carefully about my bathroom experience. Shakespeare believed a bedroom to be the best room. I now believe a bathroom to be the bathroom.

Last week, I realized I had been p—ing a lot—and in a lot of different restrooms. I was, you might say, promiscuous. I was, you might say, indiscriminate. I went where I had to, not where I wanted to. Convenience trumped and trampled class—violently.

But, impelled by the words of the prophet I saw written on the subway wall, I decided to discriminate. I realized it was inane to attend a restroom simply for its proximity, just as it would be insane to choose classes based on how close they are to one’s room, or to only sleep in one’s bed because it is nearest one’s desk.

And so, with the highest standards of quality in mind, I walked out one evening. I went to every bathroom I could—or, as many as were biologi- cally sustainable. I sat or stood there and thought critically about what truly matters in my bathroom experience: comfort (seat, toilet paper), privacy (can Nassau Street passersbys see you checking yourself out in the mirror?), accessibility (location, difficulty of entry and egress), pungency (self-explanatory), amenities (quality of hand soap, tiles, mirrors), and popularity (is someone waiting outside your stall for you to finish?). Because I am not a selfish dude, I have reviewed, for you and for me, all the bathrooms I attended, and I have ranked them accordingly.

It is my hope that my experience will elevate Princeton’s thoughtfulness in defective activities and that my reviews improve your experience here.

A blessing: If nature calls, rejoice in your new horizons! If you are reading this whilst already on a toilet seat, better luck next time! Either way, enjoy in joy and let me know how it goes. (We are planning a revised second edition for the decidedly different experience of the summer restroom!)

(I apologize for not being a woman: I wasn’t able to review the campus’s female restrooms, for the university’s policy is admirably strict!)

_A guide to the guide:_

Points will be assigned to each of the seven categories (I have not included the controversial category of cleanliness, for it is less of a natural, or structural, quality, which is the type of quality I pursue, and more of an “assigned” quality, whereas redolence, for instance, which may be demeaned as “assigned,” in fact results from structural qualities such as ventilation), which will then be added up, using the process of addition, to derive the bathroom’s composite score out of seventy. The more subjective category of Comments will include important comments I have about the bathroom’s “intangible” qualities.

_A key to the guide:_

C = Comfort

P = Privacy

A = Accessibility

Pu = Pungency

Am = Amenities

Po = Popularity

V = Visceral Response

I/M = Individual or Multi-Person

[Click to read the guide](