It is hard to offend the Nassau Weekly. The Nassau Weekly has an iron gut and a gutter mind. However, the Nassau Weekly recently encountered something so profoundly heinous, so depraved and disturbing, that it gagged several times and then swallowed its own ass-bile. The Nassau Weekly was unprepared; it was eating a snack and catching up on its current events when it stumbled upon a news story about a friendly-looking member of the United States Congress.

At first the Nassau Weekly had trouble articulating what was so damn skin-crawlingly abhorrent about the exchange. Perhaps it was the Congressman’s not-quite-fluent online colloquialisms, or his persistent, lame attempts at turning the conversation toward sexy feelings. The complete familiarity of how the AIM conversation unfolds can make you momentarily forget just who is perpetrating the exchange.

Because the Nassau Weekly is concerned, at the utmost, with the moral hygiene of the Princeton University community and, truly, the greater Princeton, Trenton and New Brunswick area and environs, the Nassau Weekly calls upon all upright, upstanding and upwardly mobile individuals to heed our call and respond to the following crimes against America’s youth and the youth of other, poorer nations. Including our friends in Cuba, Mexico, El Salvador, Guatemala and most of the continent of Africa (Editor’s note: NOT South Africa).

What follows is the actual transcript of an Instant Message conversation between Congressman Mark Foley (R- Palm Beach) and one of his various male pages. All of them cherubic, nubile and quite young. (Editor’s note: We do not presume to judge the moral worth of pederasty and its devotees; we merely print this in the spirit of candid and open journalism.) This is a time for healing, and we here at the Nassau Weekly hope to foster an environment safe for fair-minded discourse.

Maf54: hey

Auto response from Xxxxxxxxx: scrounging for food…brb

Maf54: ok

Maf54: kep scrounging

Xxxxxxxxx: boo

Maf54: bo dude

Xxxxxxxxx: lol

Xxxxxxxxx: whered ya go this afternoon

Maf54: i am in pensecola…had to catch a plane

Xxxxxxxxx: oh well thats fun

Maf54: indeed

Xxxxxxxxx: what are you doing in pensecola

Maf54: now in my hotel room

Xxxxxxxxx: well why did you go there

Maf54: for the campaign

Xxxxxxxxx: have you officialy announced yt

Maf54: not yet

Xxxxxxxxx: cool cool…

Maf54: how my favorite young stud doing

Xxxxxxxxx: tired and sore

Xxxxxxxxx: i didnt no waltzing could make you sore

Maf54: from what

Xxxxxxxxx: what do you mean from what

Xxxxxxxxx: from waltzing…im sore from waltzing

Maf54: tahts good

Maf54: you need a massage

Xxxxxxxxx: ugh tomorrow i have the first day of lacrosse practice

Maf54: love to watch that

Maf54: those great legs running

Xxxxxxxxx: haha…they arent great

Xxxxxxxxx: thats why we have conditioning

Xxxxxxxxx: 2 days running….3 days lifting

Xxxxxxxxx: every week

Xxxxxxxxx: until the end of march

Maf54: well dont ruin my mental picture

Xxxxxxxxx: oh lol…sorry

Maf54: nice

Maf54: youll be way hot then

Xxxxxxxxx: haha…hopefully

Maf54: better be

Maf54: well I better let you go do oyur thing

Xxxxxxxxx: oh ok

Xxxxxxxxx: have fun campaigning

Xxxxxxxxx: or however you spell it

Xxxxxxxxx: lol

Xxxxxxxxx: ill see ya in a couple of weeks

Maf54: did any girl give you a haand job this weekend

Xxxxxxxxx: lol no

Xxxxxxxxx: im single right now

Xxxxxxxxx: my last gf and i broke up a few weeks agi

Maf54: are you

Maf54: good so your getting horny

Xxxxxxxxx: lol…a bit

Maf54: did you spank it this weekend yourself

Xxxxxxxxx: no

Xxxxxxxxx: been too tired and too busy

Maf54: wow…

Maf54: i am never to busy haha

Xxxxxxxxx: haha

Maf54: or tired..helps me sleep

Xxxxxxxxx: thats true havent been having a problem with sleep though.. i just walk in the door and collapse well at least this weekend

Maf54: i am sure

Xxxxxxxxx: i dont do it very often normally though

Maf54: why not

Maf54: at your age seems like it would be daily

Xxxxxxxxx: not me

Xxxxxxxxx: im not a horn dog

Xxxxxxxxx: maybe 2 or 3 times a week

Maf54: thats a good number

Maf54: in the shower

Xxxxxxxxx: actually usually i dont do it in the shower

Xxxxxxxxx: just cause i shower in the morning

Xxxxxxxxx: and quickly

Maf54: in the bed

Xxxxxxxxx: i get up at 530 and am outta the house by 610

Xxxxxxxxx: eh ya

Maf54: on your back

Xxxxxxxxx: no face down

Maf54: love details

Xxxxxxxxx: lol

Xxxxxxxxx: i see that

Xxxxxxxxx : lol

Maf54: really

Maf54: do you really do it face down

Xxxxxxxxx: ya

Maf54: kneeling

Xxxxxxxxx: well i dont use my hand…i use the bed itself

Maf54: where do you unload it

Xxxxxxxxx: towel

Maf54: really

Maf54: completely naked?

Xxxxxxxxx: well ya

Maf54: very nice

Xxxxxxxxx: lol

Maf54: cute butt bouncing in the air

Xxxxxxxxx: haha

Xxxxxxxxx: well ive never watched myslef

Xxxxxxxxx: but ya i guess

Maf54: i am sure not

Maf54: hmmm

Maf54: great visual

Maf54: i may try that

Xxxxxxxxx: it works

Maf54: hmm

Maf54: sound inetersting

Maf54: i always use lotion and the hand

Maf54: but who knows

Xxxxxxxxx: i dont use lotion…takes too much time to clean up

Xxxxxxxxx: with a towel you can just wipe off….and go

Maf54: lol

Maf54: where do you throw the towel

Xxxxxxxxx: but you cant work it too hard….or its not good

Xxxxxxxxx: in the laundry

Maf54: just kinda slow rubbing

Xxxxxxxxx: ya….

Xxxxxxxxx: or youll rub yourslef raw

Maf54: well I have aa totally stiff wood now

Xxxxxxxxx: cause the towell isnt very soft

Maf54: i bet..taht would hurt

Xxxxxxxxx: but you cn find something softer than a towell i guess

Maf54: but it must feel great spirting on the towel

Xxxxxxxxx: ya

Maf54: wow

Maf54: is your little guy limp…or growing

Xxxxxxxxx: eh growing

Maf54: hmm

Maf54: so you got a stiff one now

Xxxxxxxxx: not that fast

Xxxxxxxxx: hey

Xxxxxxxxx: so you have a fetich

Maf54: hey what

Xxxxxxxxx: fetish**

Maf54: like

Maf54: i like steamroom

Maf54: whats yours

Xxxxxxxxx: its kinda weird

Xxxxxxxxx: lol

Maf54: i am hard as a tell me when your reaches rock

Xxxxxxxxx: i have a cast fetish

Maf54: well tell me

Maf54: cast

Xxxxxxxxx: ya like…plaster cast

Maf54: what happens

Maf54: how does that turn you in

Xxxxxxxxx: i dont know

Xxxxxxxxx: it just does

Xxxxxxxxx: but along with that i like the whole catholic girl look… thats our schools uniform

Maf54: ha thats wild

Xxxxxxxxx: ya but now im hard

Maf54: me 2

Maf54: cast got you going

Maf54: what you wearing

Xxxxxxxxx: normal clothes

Xxxxxxxxx: tshirt and shorts

Maf54: um so a big buldge

Xxxxxxxxx: ya

Maf54: um

Maf54: love to slip them off of you

Xxxxxxxxx: haha

Maf54: and gram the one eyed snake

Maf54: grab

Xxxxxxxxx : not tonight…dont get to excited

Maf54: well your hard

Xxxxxxxxx: that is true

Maf54: and a little horny

Xxxxxxxxx: and also tru

Maf54: get a ruler and measure it for me

Xxxxxxxxx: ive already told you that

Maf54: tell me again

Xxxxxxxxx: 7 and 1/2

Maf54: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Maf54: beautiful

Xxxxxxxxx: lol

Maf54: thats a great size

Xxxxxxxxx: thank you

Maf54: still stiff

Xxxxxxxxx: ya

Maf54: take it out

Xxxxxxxxx: brb…my mom is yelling

Maf54: ok

Xxxxxxxxx: back

Maf54: cool hope se didnt see any thing

Xxxxxxxxx: no no

Maf54: good

Xxxxxxxxx: well i bette go finish my hw… i just found out from a friend that i have to finish reading and notating a book for AP english

Maf54 signed off at 8:17:43 PM.

In poring over every last lurid detail of the Foley transcript (and only for the sake of science, and journalism, of course), the Nassau Weekly couldn’t help but think of another relentlessly pervy Compassionate Conservative who managed to get himself caught in flagrante dictu, as it were. The sophisticated and well-informed (and righteous!) Nassau Weekly refers here to Bill O’Reilly, the Fox News celebrity who last year settled a sexual harassment lawsuit for an undisclosed amount of money. The contents of the lawsuit, before it was settled out of court, were a matter of public record. (Editor’s note: God bless America.) What follows are selections from the lawsuit, largely taken from the plaintiff’s recordings of Mr. O’Reilly’s fantastically absurd dirty phone calls:

Defendant Bill O’Reilly advised Plaintiff Andrea Mackris to avoid future contact with her ex-fiancé, to have manicures and pedicures and “pick up 23-year-old men in bars,” to attend charity events and meet men with credentials, and to otherwise spend the next year doing what she felt like doing, without thinking twice about the consequences.

… Defendant Bill O’Reilly’s demeanor abruptly changed. O’Reilly’s eyes became glazed and bizarrely strayed in opposite directions. Suddenly, without provocation or warning, Defendant Bill O’Reilly said to Plaintiff Andrea Mackris: “And just use your vibrator to blow off steam.” When Plaintiff reddened, Defendant Bill O’Reilly asked lewdly: “What, you’ve got a vibrator, don’t you? Every girl does.” When Plaintiff responded indignantly, “No, and no, they don’t. Does your wife?” Defendant replied: “Yes, in fact she does. She’d kill me if she knew I was telling you!” Plaintiff was repulsed.

Defendant Bill O’Reilly proceeded, without solicitation or invite, to inform Plaintiff Andrea Mackris that he had advised another woman to purchase a vibrator, and had taught that woman how to masturbate while telling her sexual stories over the telephone. O’Reilly told Plaintiff Andrea Mackris she knew the woman from Fox. Defendant O’Reilly then boasted that the woman had her first orgasm via masturbation as he spoke to her on the telephone.

Defendant Bill O’Reilly professed disbelief, and told her that the sexual stories he told were all based upon his own experiences, such as when he received a massage in a cabana in Bali and the “little short brown woman” asked to see his penis and was “amazed.” Defendant Bill O’Reilly then suggested that he tell Plaintiff the same sexual stories, which he knew she would “just love.” Shocked and embarrassed, Plaintiff Andrea Mackris informed Defendant in no uncertain terms that she was neither experienced in nor interested in gaining experience in telephone sex. Defendant expressed disbelief.

O’Reilly repeatedly propositioned the women, singing the praises of telephone sex, offering to telephone them both, and suggesting that the three of them “go to a hotel together and have the time of [their] lives.” O’Reilly further suggested that the women needed to be trained so they’d be equipped and ready to go when a “real man shows up in your lives,” and offered “lessons.”

Defendant O’Reilly informed Plaintiff Andrea Mackris that he was watching a porn movie and babbled perversely regarding his fantasies concerning Carribean (SIC) vacations because, purportedly: “Once people get into that hot weather they shed their inhibitions, you now they drink during their day, they lay there and lazy, they have dinner and then they come back and fool around…that’s basically the modus operandi.”

78. During the course of his monologue, Defendant O’Reilly further stated: “Well, if I took you down there then I’d want tot take a shower with you right away, that would be the first think (SIC) I’d do…yeah, we’d check into the room, and we would order up some room service and uh and you’d definitely get two wines into you as quickly as I could get into you I would get ‘em into you…maybe intravenously, get those glasses of wine into you…

You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I’d join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda soap up your back…rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water…and um…you know, you’d feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda’ put my arm – it’s on of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it…and I would put it around front, kinda’ rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard…’cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs…

So anyway I’d be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda kissing your neck from behind…and then I would take the other hand with the falafel (sic) thing and I’d put it on your pussy but you’d have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business…

Plaintiff Andrea Mackris was frightened and disturbed.

79. During the course of this monologue, Defendant Bill O’Reilly suggested that he would perform oral sex upon Plaintiff Andrew Mackris, and that she would start to perform fellatio upon his “big cock” but not complete the sex act: “you’d tease me, like you wouldn’t really do it, you’d just like – ‘cuz I know you…you’re like a tease.”

81. During the course of Defendant Bill O’Reilly’s sexual rant, it became clear that he was using a vibrator upon himself, and that he ejaculated. Plaintiff was repulsed.

82. Immediately after climaxing, Defendant Bill O’Reilly launched into a discussion concerning how good he was during a recent appearance on “The Tonight Show” with Jay Leno: “It was funny, they used a big clip of me…Right after Brokaw and Brokaw was absolutely the most unfunny guy in the world, and the audience got a big charge out of my…It was good.”


The Nassau Weekly is against hypocrisy, and the Nassau Weekly knows all about glass houses. (Editor’s note: and throwing stones – the whole nine yards.) As such, the Nassau Weekly has decided to take this opportunity to atone for its own sins, so that it can henceforth facilitate moral discourse of the very highest order with pure heart and crystal conscience. In its quest for justice and goodly hygiene, the Nass is starting with the man in the mirror. (Editor’s note: I’m asking him to change his ways.)

For example, the Nassau Weekly would like to apologize to the three-legged dog it once kicked: I thought you had four legs, dog I kicked.

Also, the Nassau Weekly would like to apologize for the several instances on which it wore street shoes on various types of courts – squash courts, tennis courts, basketball courts – and also once, in a dance studio.

And the time it jaywalked, while using racial and ethnic slurs and eating several of boogers issued forth from its selfsame nose. Actually, this happened more than once. The Nassau Weekly would like to apologize for all the times it jaywalked, while using racial and ethnic slurs and eating its selfsame nose-boogers.

The Nassau Weekly sees that this is going to take a good deal of time. In the spirit of brevity (Editor’s note: the Nassau Weekly once heard that brevity is the very soul of wit, and though the Nassau Weekly may indeed be against wit, it is certainly in favor of soul.), and in working toward ruthless German-inspired efficiency, the Nassau Weekly will proceed with a condensed list. Please forgive it.