Lord Byron wrote, “I’ll publish right or wrong. Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.” Keep this in mind, eh?

When duly elected politicians set to work making a safer nation for my family and me, it is a regrettable fact that they are often defeated. When heartless ruffians roam the streets burning the Stars and Stripes, officials are impotent to stop them. When legislation seeks to crush terrorism, that legislation is stemmed. And all the while the likes of Michael Moore and Al Franken disparage our honorable leader, and the government is powerless to censor them.

I think all Americans can agree that there is one, antiquated bit of writing that breeds each of these problems faced by our legislators, who would like nothing more than to save our country from fanatics and return to the good, old-fashioned ways of our forefathers. I am speaking, of course, of that vexing document behind which the judiciary hides to thwart the will of the people. I am referring to that bothersome paper that has consistently kept the majority from having its way. I am expressing my discontent over that plague of a declaration that has proved a nuisance to our leaders from Washington to Bush. I am talking about the dastardly Bill of Rights.

Besides these atrocities, the Bill of Rights is a phenomenal waste of time, both in the fights it instigates over the constitutionality of laws and in the confirmation of justices, such as Samuel Alito, who are important only because they must interpret the abominable Bill. The countless hours that have been lost fighting both over the Supreme Court’s composition and its decisions could have been saved if only the Bill of Rights had been repealed in its entirety in the first place. You will soon agree that not a single phrase in this document is worth the paper it’s printed on, let alone the bullet-proof glass behind which it is kept.

The framers may well have been most proud of the First Amendment. It promises that Congress will not seek to limit the freedoms of religion, speech, assembly, petition, or the press. If only they had known how cumbersome this sentence would prove to be.

As to the issue of religion, they must not have understood that this amendment would keep teachers from leading their classes in prayer. They could not have foreseen that heathens would use these protections to teach science while contradicting the words of Genesis.

With respect to speech, the meaning of the amendment’s words has clearly been misconstrued. The eighteenth century authors actually meant to guarantee the right to speak only on topics that did not suggest criticism of the government. That’s why you always hear Alexander Hamilton being compared to Joseph Stalin and James Madison being likened to Adolph Hitler. It is the terrible freedom of speech that allows our nation’s flag to be desecrated. It is the tyrannical freedom of speech that permits subversives like Michael Moore to put their films in our movie theatres. If not for the unfortunate misinterpretation of this freedom, dissent could be nipped in the bud today, and to what happy effects.

The ridiculous nature of freedom of assembly is demonstrated every time a group gathers to protest a war. Had this right not been in place during Vietnam, the thousands of reds who plagued our streets might not have stopped the United States from purging the world of communism.

Few Americans even know they have the right to petition the government, so this liberty is clearly unnecessary.

Finally, the freedom of the press has shown its shortcomings when journalists like Dan Rather are let to run amuck and create documents that decry our president.

And that’s only the first of ten problem-ridden amendments. The Second Amendment’s right to bear arms is unquestionably archaic and fails to take into account the good nature of the modern American. After all, everyone knows that if criminals weren’t supposed to have guns, they wouldn’t do anything else they weren’t supposed to either.

The next four amendments are simply despicable roadblocks for our leaders. The Third Amendment forces on the government a terrible economic burden (housing military personnel), the Fourth necessitates inconvenient search warrants (only terrorists demand privacy), the Fifth blocks dollars that could fill government coffers (why shouldn’t Congress seize private land?), and the Sixth is a silly waste of resources (innocent men don’t need lawyers.)

The injustices that have resulted from the Seventh Amendment’s permitting juries to decide law suits are too numerous to state, but even worse is the infamous Eighth Amendment. Not allowing cruel and unusual punishment may indeed be traced to all of our country’s criminal problems. After all, in the days of Joan of Arc, when burning at the stake was quite common, there was hardly any crime at all. That the French abandoned the practice of burning people at the stake is further reason for us to start doing it right away. Besides, it is the Eighth Amendment that stops the police from torturing suspected terrorists and kidnappers.

The Ninth and Tenth Amendments give still more unenumerated rights to people who have already proven they cannot even handle the responsibilities they were specifically awarded.

It is with these indisputable facts in mind that I modestly propose that Congress repeal the Bill of Rights. Once it is done, the will of the American people will be not be curbed again. James Madison’s heavy hand will be felt on our lives no longer.

I am entirely open to any proposal of an alternate method for redressing the terrible misfortunes wrought on our people by the Bill of Rights. But I would ask of the person who would seek to maintain this archaic set of rights, does he not wish to reclaim his formerly held sense of security? Does his blood not curdle when he sees ingrates burning his nation’s flag? Does he not want to be free from the evils of terrorism? If these fears are real you must repeal!