A maple tree on South Campus has become the subject of hot debate as multiple student groups have mobilized against its recently mandated demolition.

“This is my favorite tree in this part of campus,” said Mitch Richards, ’10. “I remember taking a picture of it when I used to be into that sort of thing. It was a pretty mediocre photograph, but the tree had nice branches, which is why I took it in the first place.”

Denise Marks, ’11, shares Richards’ sentiments. “In our age of growing global instability, trees are so important, especially this maple one.” She believes that cutting down the maple would put a bad face to the University’s recent Sustanibility Campaign. “For such a publicized ‘green’ program as our University has, cutting down trees seems openly hypocritical,” she commented.

Luckily for Richards and Marks, student groups, including Students for Animals and Students for Sustainability, have joined forces to put a halt to all demolition plans. Amy Planter, ’11, who ironically runs University Organic Gardening, another group involved in the protests, made strong but irrelevant remarks in defense of the maple. “It provides so much shade to such a small space,” she said.

When the University President was asked about the tree, as she sipped Earl Grey in her office and dusty sunlight streamed through the blinds onto her bitchily beady eyes, she said, “It has to go. We can’t maintain all the trees on campu s.” She continued, “During these pressing economic times, some programs just have to be dropped, like this maple tree.” She also cited experts who claimed that the tree was in bad shape. “We have been informed by the experts that the tree is in bad shape.” She claims she is understanding of student concerns: “I am understanding of student concerns over this tree, and other trees, but I hope they will focus their wonderful energy and determination elsewhere, like in the classroom.” What a bitch!

At this time plans are still in the works to cut down the maple tree on South Campus. The tree is fifty years old, and has great big green leaves, and nice brown bark. Branches on the tree start at about ten feet up, which is normal for maple trees. When polled, no students out of one hundred claimed to have climbed the tree.

Perhaps they will think about climbing the tree now that it is going to be demolished.