White. Huge. Fucking awesome. Yes, I am talking about that king of the North Pole, of the animal kingdom, and maybe even of the universe: ursus martimus, better known as the polar bear.

When I think of polar bears, how can I help but think “quadruped,” “man eating beast,” “claws the size of a goddamn samurai sword,” and “fucking sweet as fucking hell.” If you don’t think this, you’re just a moron or you don’t speak English or something.

Did you know that a polar bear can reach into the ocean with its enormous paw and tear a beluga whale clear out of the water in one swipe? Well it’s true. Have any of you ever seen that Discovery Channel show where they simulate two animals fighting and show what would happen? Well they had a polar bear and a walrus on that one time, and according to them, the walrus would somehow trick the polar bear into falling into the water (uh-huh…right), and impale him with his tusks or something. Now for the REAL scenario. If a walrus came within a furlong of a polar bear’s turf, the polar bear would probably just stomp on the ground so hard that he’d create a ravine that the walrus and any other walruses that happened to be around would fall into. Then he’d sit back in a lawn chair and smoke a Marlboro Red.

One time I dared myself to talk to a cute babe about how sweet polar bears are, but I wimped out as usual. A polar bear would not have wimped out at all. He probably would’ve just talked to her about how he can run at speeds of up to 35 miles per hour and how he loves eating fish and stuff, and then kissed her with tongue in about 2 minutes.

The tallest polar bear in the world stands 25 feet tall, weighs as much as 5 grizzly bears, and would completely kick your ass.

Any “stuffed” polar bear you see in a museum is just a fake. And if it’s not, some lucky bastard probably just found a dead polar bear who was so pumped up about being a polar bear that his fucking heart exploded.

Zoos? What about them? Those polar bears are just big dogs or something that got bleached by the zookeeper. You think anyone could ever catch a polar bear, or that any sane person would even try? Yeah right you moron. If you ever thought about trying to keep a polar bear in custody, some polar bear would probably come out of nowhere and take your head off your shoulders with one paw swipe before you even finished the thought.

So yeah. Uhhhh, I’m gonna go eat some Slim Jims and pretend they’re penguins. See ya later.