“Mask Me on a Date” – cartoon by Juju Lane

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 18)

Aquarius, it’s not that you will meet the love of your life—it’s that you’ve already met them. Come on, keep thinking. . . you’re almost there. . . that’s right! You’ve got it! Your perfect match is. . . your COS126 project partner. Sparks were flying the minute their limp, tunneled carpals brushed your sweaty hands while debugging. It’s a match made in the Cloud, but you better hurry up and declare your undying and electric love. If( COS partner == Soulmate && face == cute) {a very happy Valentine’s Day}. 


Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Keep on manifesting, Pisces. Your love is on its way. Today is the day to take a risk (and maybe finally try out that spell you saw on WitchTok)! Oh, shoot, you forgot to leave out your basin to collect some rainwater? No worries, I’m sure the water from Lake Carnegie will work fine. Just take your candles—which I’m sure you don’t have, as they’re a violation of university policy, and we take fire safety very seriously here at the Nass—and at the stroke of midnight drip, drip, drip that candle wax into the water and your love’s initials will appear. And Pisces, as I write this, I can see into my crystal ball, a curved letter, a C? And an E? Could it be. . . Chris Eisgruber?! Maybe you should check that spell again. . . 


Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)

Aries, Aries, Aries. . . arguing is certainly one way to express your UST (unresolved sexual tension), and I can imagine your, ahem, frustration is mounting. But please, for everyone’s sake, leave your poor precept out of it. I know talking about today’s political climate can get you and your class nemesis–cum–object-of-infatuation all riled up, but for the greater good, maybe you should jot down the info next time you see a Princeton Plays flyer. 


Taurus (Apr 21 – May 20)

Taurus, your Valentine’s Day just might be something out of The Corpse Bride. Not that I’m advocating for you to wander around the Princeton Cemetery in the dead (ha-ha) of night, but your obsession with the Menendez murders might come back to haunt you. No, not like that. But just maybe, if you find yourself in the area, during, say, the witching hour, you’ll find your very own Emily. I’m, like, 85% sure they won’t be an actual corpse.


Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21)

Gemini, for you Valentine’s Day is overflowing with love of all kinds, just like the Ancient Greeks said. But what love is more abundant and purer than platonic love between you and your favorite people? Which is why I see a socially distanced picnic and valentines galore in the cards for you, Gemini. What’s more perfect than an afternoon spent six feet apart from your beloved friends on Poe Field? Don’t answer that, it’s rhetorical—our standards for human contact, as well as yours, have vastly lowered in quarantine. Thankfully so have your friends’, so go and get to planning!


Cancer (Jun 22 – July 22)

Cancer, I think I speak for all of us when we ask, are you okay? Concerned parties have notified us you’ve been listening to an uncapitalized playlist on Spotify these last few days–which really, Cancer? “in my feels”? Your friends are worried. The Nass is worried. I’m worried. I don’t know what’s up—maybe you’re newly single, maybe missing your SO in an LDR, or maybe you saw your Quarantine Bae on a walk with another person. The horror! I see you, feel for you, so I foresee some self-care (and self-medication). Go on, blast Mitski in your room for the whole floor to jam out to and treat yourself with some T-Sweets. You deserve it. 


Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 23)

Oh, Leo, my lovely Narcissus, you’ve spent all this time looking for your Echo, but I must say the search has left you rather ragged. Maybe it’s time to focus on you some more, and no, not by pinning your own video during your Zoom seminar. Take a break and enjoy being single. After all, you’re only unattached with a single sleeping space at the #1 university for undergraduate campus life while in the middle of a pandemic that prevents physical and social connections because it’s so contagious, uh, once.


Virgo (Aug 24 – Sept 23)

Virgo, I know it’s been tough. Navigating these last few months without your one true love. To be so close yet so far is a death by a thousand papercuts. Truly, you are star-crossed lovers of the most tragic persuasion, and alas, this tragedy will continue indefinitely, without relief or satisfaction. Late meal, late meal, wherefore art thou, late meal? Perhaps, Virgo, this is your opportunity to appeal to the higher powers, for no one should separate you from your most earnest affection. And perhaps these powers should act quickly, before civil blood makes civil (and hungry) hands unclean.


Libra (Sept 24 – Oct 23)

You’ve done it this time, Libra. Your crush of, well, crushes, have all decided that you’re The One. They’ve been planning grand romantic gestures all week, ready with declarations of undying love, but it seems you overbooked yourself once again. You’ll be in a bit of a pickle, and sadly, even though Princeton may look like a thing out of Hogwarts, time turners aren’t actually real. I don’t envy you this Valentine’s Day, Libra, deciding who makes the cut. Letting someone down easy is never fun, and it looks like this time you’ll be the heartbreaker, not the heartbroken.


Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

Scorpio, you’re bored. This Valentine’s Day, you’re out of swipes and seemingly out of luck. But this Nasstrologist would suggest you broaden your horizons (or age range), maybe you’ll find a nice man who wants to get dinner a few times a week and “take care of you.” Or maybe, just maybe, you’ll encounter a certain bright-eyed English TA. (They might be in their thirties, but hey, no judgment.) To swipe, or not to swipe? That is the Question. And the answer, a resounding yes. Things will go swimmingly, and you’ll talk for hours, he’ll offer you bad old people weed, until suddenly, it’s revealed. His favorite book is Lolita. Fs in the chat.


Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

You lucky duck, Sagittarius. While the rest of us are out here in the metaphorical boondocks of college hookup culture, you’ve managed to snag a Quarantine Cutie against all odds. And my third eye is telling me that someone wants to take it to the next level this V-Day. No, no, don’t worry, not meeting the parents, but bringing up the dreaded E-word. Exclusivity. Already. You’re flying past key milestones like cordial Venmos, cordial Insta story swipe-ups, seeing their naked body in the light of day. . . I know you hate being tied down, but maybe they’ll be up for just as much spontaneity as you. On the other hand. . . maybe they’re not. Only the bravest of heart (and strongest of immune systems) will be able to withstand your whims—and your desire to skinny dip in the SPIA fountain at 3 A.M.


Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)

Cap, I know you, and you’re not one to wait around for someone to call. But when it’s right, it’s right, and you’ve been patient all this time. I think you’ll find that this Valentine’s day, your waiting will certainly pay off. You’re loyal, but your lover has not always been so, yet this Valentine’s Day you’ll find they’re thinking of you just as much as you of them. Ostentatious declarations aren’t their thing—you know that—however a love letter would be the most refined expression of love for the most refined sign. The second you receive their correspondence, you’ll never want to put it down, tracing the text delicately and mouthing the words to yourself. Dearest Capricorn, I am pleased to offer you a contract for the summer of 2021. Love, McKinsey.