We all know the feeling: you’re sitting in your seminar when suddenly you’re overcome by an all-consuming desire to…
- Crack open my ballpoint pen and drink the ink like it’s a flask
- Drink a bottle of water like it’s filled with vodka and cause a whole scene for nothing
- Hit my vape
- Pull out a lit cigarette to prove that I’m a Real Intellectual™
- Invoke the muse
- Roll my eyes back into my head as I lyrically recite the prophecies of old
- Thumb out my own eyes
- Offer my TA a high five, up high, then one down low, then pull my hand away and say “too slow”
- Ask my professor to rank the students in the seminar by intelligence
- Ask my professor to rank the students in the seminar by looks
- Pass a note that says “do you like me? check yes or no” to my TA
- Let my hair down and take off my glasses so everyone realizes that I was beautiful all along
- Give birth messily
- Climb out of the K-hole
- Pull out my last loose tooth and show everyone
- Start floating away toward the smell of a freshly baked pie emitting cartoonish scent lines
- Look directly into an imaginary camera and break the fourth wall every time a thought enters my head
- Moo
- Videotape my professor saying innocuous shit about modernity and then use AI software to create an outrageous deepfake that will go viral online, gaining me much fame and glory
- Break open the window with my bare hands, sustaining moderate injury in the process
- Do the cinnamon challenge
- Bust out my rainbow loom
- React to my professor with a chipper, “You said it, mister!”
- Ask my professor what else that mouth do then backpedal hard
- Start an impromptu game of Duck Duck Goose
- Loudly react to the polyamorous werewolf fanfic I am reading
- Strip to be the class’s example of asiatic femininity
- Remove a piece of clothing every 15 minutes so I’m butt naked by the end of class
- Be a silly little slut
- Play the NYT crossword song at full volume every time someone “approaches the topic from an ontological standpoint”
- Repeat a woman’s point but louder
- Shatter the glass ceiling
- Be an ally
- Show porn to the whole class (amateur, self made)
- Scream and cry and grab the eraser from my professor’s hand to erase that one white spot off of the chalkboard that they keep missing
- Auto-fellatio
- Mr. Beast Squid Games in real life
- Smoke on that zaza
- Show my professor intimate knowledge of his unpublished memoir
- Look up my professor’s daughter on Instagram
- Say “Amen to that!”
- Ask my professor if he could spare a few minutes to talk about our lord and savior Jesus Christ
- Write a 12-page, double spaced, fairly disenchanted book review on Goodreads about the Bible
- Ask the guest speaker to replace our professor
- Serve c*nt
- Show everyone my actual c*nt
- Kool aid man-ing through the walls of McCosh to create a hallway that goes all the way through the building
- Put glasses on the back of my head and sitting backwards in my chair to pretend to be a hair creature
- Eat a whole picnic and leaving no crumbs
- Explain to the professor that I did the reading but don’t feel like talking about it right now
- Grub for worms
- Become both the lover and the beloved
- Break each piece of chalk in half, one by one
- Human centipede
- Start talking about my android phone in a condescending tone
- Urgently raise my hand and when called on point to the person next to me and say in a shrill voice, “Professor, she’s on iMessage during classsss!!!!!”
- Rip the wooden leg off the table and whittling it into a stake with my teeth
- Tell an ROTC kid that I don’t think military personnel deserve to board the plane before me
- Push back against the liberal elite of academia and becoming a conservative firebrand
- Salute the ROTC kid
- Book a bus ticket to Washington DC on 1/5/2021
- Turn to the guy next to me and asking him to tell me everything he knows about the female orgasm
- Pronounce Walter Benjamin with a hard “J”
- Pants my professor
- Nod my head like yeah
- Move my hips like yeah
- Whip out my phone to continue filming my “Real Day in the Life of a Princeton Student” TikTok so I can get high schoolers in my comments to ask me my admissions stats
- Reenact the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally
- Play a mental game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill” with my classmates
- Chomp down on a honey lemon echinacea cough drop
- Become a stay-at-home dad
- Live tweet the premiere of Riverdale’s final season
- Circle back
- Secrete pools of saliva and display them on the table before me, so a female can enjoy a nutritious treat, and I can increase my chance of copulation
- Email my professor links to videos of unexpected animal friends with the subject line: “This is kind of like us”
- Put on an Australian accent so I don’t have to be familiar with the American canon
- Shoot myself out of an American canon
- Make out with the weird philosophy kid
- Put on fucked up little plays in the stage of my mind
- Explore several different uses of a peach
- Bring a case of PBR and insist that everyone Venmos me for it
- Finish an entire roll of Hubba Bubba
- Refuse to participate “because I’m on vocal rest for my slam poetry show”
- Act cool and above it all but in a way that you can tell deep down I’m really just looking for love just like everyone else on this crazy planet we call Earth
- Let out an audible and cartoonish “gulp” when the professor cold calls on me
- Construct the LEGO® Star Wars Death Star
- Write my number in my notes just in case he looks over (he won’t)
- Have my eyes roll back into my head as I lyrically recite the prophecies of old
- Ask my professor if he polishes his bald spot or if it’s just naturally shiny
- Flashmob to Bruno Mars’ “Marry You”