Cam Asutra & Sue Trakama
Cam Asutra knew from the moment he saw Sue Trakama walking down the aisle in December of 2009 that their marriage was going to end in divorce.

Ms. Trakama was wearing a wedding dress that she describes as “sexy” and Mr. Asutra describes as “upsetting,” though both agree that it was definitely white. She was walking alongside her father, about whom Mr. Asutra had many unkind words, and Mr. Asutra says that after taking a long, hard look at the genetic pool he was entering, he knew he was making an awful mistake.

“As she walked down the aisle, the look on her face was so… self-satisfied,” Mr. Asutra, a graphic designer, says, a disgusted look crawling over his face as if he has just consumed a massive glass of curdled milk. “It was like she had finally tricked someone into making her his wife, and I suddenly realized that the ‘someone’ was me. I felt like the closer she got to me as I stood up at that altar, the closer I was to being permanently chained to an insecure fire pit inside of the inside of Hell,” says Mr. Asutra.

Ms. Trakama, a food critic for her friend’s blog “Park Slope Thoughts,” says that although Mr. Asutra claims to be the first of the two to realize that their marriage was destined to fail that day, she was the first to realize that it was going to be completely sexless.

“Our wedding night was just awful,” Ms. Trakama says, shuddering. “Imagine undressing your new spouse and then suddenly feeling a jellyfish wiggle up into you. It was like getting a gynecological exam from Steve from Blue’s Clues. I felt like the subject of a slimy science experiment conducted by Flounder from The Little Mermaid. The whole thing was amateur hour. No, make that amateur minute and a half.”

While neither admits to being the first to initiate a fight, both agree that the fighting got really bad about three days into the marriage. The couple went to Costa Rica on their honeymoon, but neither remembers the trip as full of many sunny times.

“I’m afraid of terrorist attacks as much as the next guy,” Mr. Asutra says. “But honestly, I was hoping for at least a scare near or inside our hotel so that I could make a run for it.”

Ms. Trakama is less kind about the honeymoon in retrospect. “I’m not a violent person, but by the time we were getting off the plane, I started seriously seeking out alternatives to Cam’s being alive. I remember checking out the size of the bathtub to see if I could knock him out and drown him in there real quick so that I could enjoy the beach on my own. I mean, have you seen his back hair? If I had thought hard enough about his back hair before marrying him, we wouldn’t have ever ended up here. I would have sent him back to the bear-store, where he belongs.”

“Tell my wife that a bear-store isn’t a real thing,” he responded, when asked to answer to her somewhat harsh words. “Also tell her that pictures of cats on the Internet are not sufficient substitutes for real love for most people, and that no one else in the planet has urine that smells like stale cheese.”

Both insist that they wanted to divorce the other sooner than they actually did, though neither can fully answer why they remained together for three and a half years before finalizing the divorce papers.

“I think I felt bad for her,” Mr. Asutra says. “I mean, who in the world can love someone who is so emotionally depraved and withholding?”

Ms. Trakama explains that she tried to broach the issue of divorce with her ex-husband long before he really started responding to her seriously. “I tried to send him signals by, like, crying myself to sleep in front of him and having affairs with other men in our bed when he was in the other room, but he’s just not great at taking hints.”

Mr. Asutra says that Ms. Trakama’s sexual tendencies were so abnormal that it was impossible to tell that she was sending him any hints at all. “What she gets off on more than anything else is crying, whether it’s me or her doing it, so how was I supposed to know? And those weren’t like, hot, torrid love affairs—she was real perverted so I always thought she was trying to entice me into disgusting threesomes with the preteen boys and elderly women that she brought into the bedroom.”

They ended up sitting down together on Halloween of this year to discuss the option of divorce as a real possibility. Both say it was the best moment of their lives, save the day the divorce papers were actually signed.

“I’ve never done anything more happily in my entire life,” Mr. Asutra says, tearing up with joy. “It was the most wonderful feeling in the whole world. Nothing will ever beat that moment for me.”

Ms. Trakama, when hearing this, nods. “Look at that,” she says with a smile. “The first thing we’ve agreed on since the day we met.”

Jerry Atrick & Rose Aparks
Jerry Atrick and Rose Aparks were divorced Friday at Ms. Aparks’ house. The ex-bride, 43, is taking back her old last name. She graduated cum laude from Vanderbilt University. Her husband, 47, suggested that her honors were actually a bit more obscene than that but Ms. Aparks insists that the only thing she guzzles is gas for her car.

Mr. Atrick claims that he would have loved his ex-wife until death did they part as originally promised had she not revealed herself to be a something of a whore. Ms. Aparks says that it’s not cheating if there’s no kissing, and she assures us there was no actual kissing involved.

The couple had met at a birthday party for a mutual friend 12 years earlier, and everything was apparently going well during their marriage until Mr. Atrick lost his job as a carpenter and became a stay-at-home dad.
“I acted like I enjoyed the support, but I think after a while he became um, like, much less masculine in my eyes,” Ms. Aparks admits. “There’s something very unsexy about watching your husband try to breastfeed your two-year-old daughter.”

The couple splits with three children. They are going to court to discuss ownership of said children within the next three weeks.

Rye Sironi & Liz Ard
Rye Sironi and Liz Ard divorced Thursday after a man broke into their house and held a gun to their heads and made them sign divorce papers, oddly enough, without explanation. It was really bizarre.

“We’re still very much in love,” Mr. Sironi, a copy editor for Cook Source, says. “It was literally the strangest thing that’s ever happened to us. The guy didn’t want money or anything. He just said that he’s really bitter about marriage now and wants to destroy them all by force.”

“We’ll probably get married again soon,” Ms. Ard, a nurse for Great Hospital, says. “I think we’re going to wait for a while so that the guy doesn’t come back, although he didn’t seem like he actually wanted to hurt us physically; he just wanted us to be divorced for a while.”

The couple explained that they still live together in the house that they have owned for 14 years, and continue to lead lives side by side as if they were married.

“He didn’t demand that we change our lifestyle at all,” Mr. Sironi says. “He just shoved these papers in our faces, plus that gun, and then handed us a pen and made us sign. I mean, we’re not looking for trouble so we just signed the papers and called the cops.”

Mr. Sironi and Ms. Ard are taking time away from the house for a while because they both figured they deserved a vacation after being confronted with a weapon so unexpectedly. They are going to an undisclosed location in the Bahamas, where they joke together that they will probably not get out of bed except to brush their teeth every so often.

“There’s no real reason to even take this trip,” Mr. Sironi laughs. “A bed is a bed anywhere, and all that matters is that my ex-wife is in it.”