WICKEDEST CENSORS—CNN

“Hey, can I call you Joe?” she asked. “[Off-mike],” he responded.

BEST MIXED METAPHOR—SARAH PALIN

“The barometer there, I think, is going to be resounding that

our economy is hurting.”

MOST GERUNDS—SARAH PALIN

Gerunds are for the weak, remember that.

AN UNBRANDED RANGE ANIMAL—JOHN MCCAIN

That’s the definition of ‘maverick’, you know.

THAT ECONOMIC BAROMETER—THE OPINION OF ONE

MOTHER AT A SOCCER GAME

Because Sarah Palin has more faith in the American people than

they, secret criers and problem eaters, have in themselves.

WORST USE OF THE SECOND-PERSON—SARAH PALIN

“Government, you know, you’re not always the solution.”

WORST USE OF THE THIRD-PERSON—JOE BIDEN

“Gwen, no one in the United States has been a better friend to

Israel than Joe Biden.”

CLOSEST APPROXIMATION OF THE WORD “VULVA”—

SARAH PALIN

Palin, in her list of oil company executives, included “Mulva at

ConocoPhillips.” We can assume that Palin is not so Christian that

she has failed to explore and discover the secrets of the body.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PLACE ON MAIN STREET—THE

KITCHEN TABLE

EXECUTIVE EXPERIENCE—SARAH PALIN

“It is my executive experience that is partly to be attributed to

my pick as V.P. with McCain, not only as governor, but earlier

on as a mayor, as an oil and gas regulator, as a business owner.”

That business ownership, incidentally, was a twenty-percent

stake in a car wash—which came to a close after three years,

when her own Alaskan government was forced to dissolve it for

failing to file licensing fees.

MOST ALCOHOLIC AND VICARIOUSLY VIOLENT POPULATION—

AMERICA

Joe Sixpack and his Hockey Wife, you’ve got the candidate you

deserve.

HAS FRIENDS AND RELATIONS WHO HATE GAYS LESS THAN

HER—SARAH PALIN

“I have a very diverse family and group of friends, and even within

that group you would see some who may not agree with me on [the gay

rights] issue.”

ONE OF THEM MIGHT EVEN BE GAY THEMSELVES—SARAH

PALIN

With whom she bowls once a month, and chats about all those

areas of life unrelated to sex or love. And to whom, let’s be honest

here, she probably responded during the coming-out conversation

with, “Hey, it’s totally cool if you’re gay—as long as you’re not

gay for me, hah, you know? I just love Todd, you know? Love him

right up.”

T O T A L L Y S T R A I G H T, THOUGH—SARAH PALIN

“I will tell Americans straight up that I don’t support defining marriage

as anything but between one man and one woman … I’m being

as straight up with Americans as I can in my non-support for anything

but a traditional definition of marriage.“

How can she say it straighter? Girl’s straight.

GREAT AMERICAN HERO—GENERAL PETRAEUS

Probably a great Dad, too. With a nice, easy laugh.

DOES NOT HAVE THE NAME “OSAMA BIN LADEN” IN HER

ACTIVE VOCABULARY—SARAH PALIN

“And as for who coined that central war on terror being in Iraq,

it was Gen. Petraeus and al Qaeda, both leaders there. … I would

believe Petrae us and the leader of al Qaeda.”

MOST INTERESTING CONVERSATION PARTNER SARAH

PALIN EVER HAD—THE WAR CRIMINAL HENRY

KISSINGER

“I had a good conversation with him recently. And he

shared with me his passion for diplomacy.”

CONVERSATION PARTNERS WHO INTERESTED THE

WAR CRIMINAL HENRY KISSINGER MORE THAN

SARAH PALIN—HIS BANK TELLER, THREE OR FOUR

PEOPLE WITH WHOM HE’S SHARED AN ELEVATOR,

TAXI DRIVERS WORLDWIDE

WORST TRANSCRIPTION—CNN

“That’s what it takes to reign in spending.”

Sic as hell, guys.

SEXIEST SURGE—GENERAL PETRAEUS

“Clear, hold and build” is the secret to the Petraeuses’ famous

delayed orgasms.

G O S H , T H AT W O U L D PROBABLY KILL A LOT OF

PEOPLE, WOULDN’T IT?—A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST

“[The use of ] nuclear weaponry, of course, would be the be all, end

all of just too many people in too many parts of our planet.”

ALWAYS MEANING SOMEONE ELSE—SARAH PALIN

“Well, first, [George B.] McClellan [b. 1826, d. 1885] did not

definitively say the surge principles would work in Afghanistan.”

His implementation of the surge principles in western Virginia,

however, were integral to the early successes of the Northern

campaign and the birth of West Virginia.

WILLING, WHEN PRESSED, TO ADMIT HE’S SAVED MORE

PEOPLE THAN YOU WILL EVER EVEN MEET IN YOUR

LIFETIME—JOE BIDEN

“My recommendations on Bosnia: I admit I was the first one to

recommend it. They saved tens of thousands of lives.”

YOUR STREET—A TOXIC MESS

“It’s a toxic mess, really, on Main Street, that’s affecting Wall

Street.” If only you weren’t always sneaking out those garbage

bags of empty whippets late on Sunday night.

DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HOW RIGHT SHE IS—SARAH

PALIN

“You know, it’s so obvious I’m a Washington outsider.”

JUST WANTS TO GIVE ISRAEL A BIG HUG WITH A COUPLE

OF SQUEEZES IN THERE, LOOK IT IN THE EYES AFTERWARD,

STILL GRASPING ITS SHOULDERS WITH HIS

FIRM HANDS, AND ASK IT HOW THINGS HAVE BEEN,

REALLY—JOE BIDEN

“Gwen, no one in the United States has been a better friend to

Israel than Joe Biden.”

EXPLAINED EVERYTHING THAT’S WRONG WITH HER

WORLDVIEW IN SEVERAL WORDS—SARAH PALIN

“Her reward is in Heaven, right?”

HOW YOU’LL SPEND YOUR SUNSET YEARS—SARAH

PALIN

If Obama and Biden are elected, Palin implied that “we’re going

to find ourselves spending our sunset years telling our children

and our children’s children about a time in America, back in

the day, when men and women were free.” Whereas if McCain

and Palin are elected, we will all be napping, bellies full of meat,

on a bright and warm New Christmas evening (New Christmas

will be the day all the foreigners die.)