Last week a movie called Date Movie, presumably because it concerns dating or perhaps one particular date, was released nationwide. It is the brainchild of the same team of writers behind Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2. This is also the same team that wrote Scary Movie 3. And now they have written another movie. They call it Date Movie. I have not seen the movie, nor will I ever. I swear on the lives of all orphans across the globe that I will never see this film. Not if a gun is held to my head, not if you slowly slit my torso with paper cuts will I even watch the trailer. This is because Date Movie is, without a doubt in my mind, the worst movie I will never see.

Now I should elaborate before continuing with this pre-emptive review. There are so many movies that I will never see. I will never see Ed Wood’s classic The Revenge of Dr. X (aka The Devil’s Garden, The Double Garden, and The Venus Flytrap), nor will I see Hobgoblins, It’s Pat, Murdercycle, Ricki-Oh: The Story of Ricki or Cop and ½. Well, I have seen Cop and ½, but only because I will see any movie starring Norman D. Golden II. Needless to say, there are some truly gut-wrenching films out there that I will never see. Take into account the whole globe. There must be some teenagers in the Philippines with a video camera making some of the most god-awful movies you can imagine, and I am including these in my list of movies I will never see. I am including every mind-numbing marriage video, stomach-turning birth movie and mostly-awkward amateur porno in the list as well. Everything that has ever been committed to film or video. Date Movie is the worst. I would imagine.

Against my will, I have heard through the grapevine that the film is a spoof of romantic comedies. If the “jokes” of the Scary Movie oeuvre are any indication, most of the laughs of Date Movie will come from referencing such films as The Wedding Planner, Meet the Fockers, Hitch and When Harry Met Sally. These haughty comedies, what with their coherent plots and vomit-free gags, are just begging for some rich parody.

I hope that they take these comedies, and bam it up a notch by inserting a prosthetic ass and having a white girl speak like a black girl. At which point I will kill myself. Or I won’t, because I’m not going to see it. Ever. If space-time, due to the collapse of some nearby planet, stretches in such a way that I am shifted into a theater playing Date Movie, I will pull out my eyes and stuff them in my ears before the opening credits role.

What I love about these films is how parody has become reference. Mention a film during a scene, and the audience is guaranteed to respond. “I’ve seen that movie,” we cry out amidst peals of laughter, “and now I’m seeing it again!” Then, according to the formula, we are given a short dose of plot, and then we are cracking up again, screaming through our tears: “White girls don’t usually talk like that!”

I hate this fucking movie.

If you are going to see one movie this year, and you are in the mood for some innocent gags and maybe a laugh or two, save yourself some money and just rent Munich.