“‘Ere we come, ‘ere we come, ‘ere we come to eat some snacks!” That’s the song you sing as you roll your way to the feeding tubes, you glutinous masses of orca-fat-fattened lard-balls! And what do you have to say for yourselves? Nothing, because your mouths are blocked up by the pendulous weight of your sagging cheeks and you have forgotten all words except “more” and “a little bit more” and “perhaps just another dollop.”
It all came to me freshman year while studying Russian syntax and reading some Puskin. I’m there with a semi-erect penis (a state in which I often find myself when studying anything Slavic) and snacking on a chocolate chip cookie … Read More
I was raised with the barest trappings of religion. My mother is a ‘reformed’ reformed Jew while my father is a lapsed Anglican who made the leap from agnosticism to atheism at some point during my early teenage years. I … Read More
I did quite a number of less-than-brilliant things this summer. I fell off a treadmill, went running at night alone in the park where Chandra Levy was killed, and scraped my shoulder by falling off a Radio Flyer wagon. Until … Read More
Oh Gross. We accidentally just looked at you and your fatness grossed us out. Big time. Well, because we here at the Nassau Weekly are bonded together by a spirit of philanthropy and kindness, we are going to give you what you so desperately need: A brand new diet.
The first months of freshman year went by so quickly. I hooked up with the guy who became my boyfriend within days of arriving on campus, and my friends and I managed to garner the attention of what seemed like … Read More
But, with the surge in oil prices and the resultant focus on the Middle East, Cairo and Egypt (along with pre-bombed Beirut) became virtual Meccas of Western culture. And, of course, with the Gucci and the McDonald’s came the fitness clubs. Appearing like empty candy wrappers after a night of THC-induced debauchery, these clubs came complete with ellipticals, aerobics classes and muscle-bound personal trainers. Catering to the Cairene elite, the gyms cover all the bases: massage parlors, multiple steam rooms, kickboxing and hip-hop classes and, of course, the smoothie bar
Halloween makes me sad now, too. It used to just be Christmas. Which at least makes sense because I’m Jewish. Halloween. I am walking around, checkbook in hand, begging doctors to see me. This is the Upper East Side: there … Read More
I began insisting that my first car would be very small, very fast and very Italian. That should have been the first indication of my impending age-related crisis. There would be no minivan for my children. Oh no. Only a … Read More
The Unknown As we know, There are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know There are known unknowns. That is to say We know there are some things We do not know. But there are … Read More
Heya Hippos! It’s a brand new week, and that means a brand new opportunity to eat less than you did last week. How much did you eat last week, anyway? It’s okay, you can tell us. I bet it was more than enough.
My students keep asking me why I am here. It is a good question. I am an anomaly at Greenville-Weston High School. I am white in a school where most teachers, and nearly all students, are black. My race fascinated my tenth graders for the first few days of school. One student asked if I found the term “white” offensive, and if I would prefer that he refer to me as “Caucasian.” Several students asked to touch my hair.