Byline: Anonymous

Dr. Murdoch, der Spieler

Lately, people have been asking me a lot where I’ve been for the past few days. Well it’s funny they should ask. Let me tell you, it all started when I remembered, on Thursday, that there were no new OC … Read More

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Shit I’ve Been Doing

I know, I know, I haven’t written in a long while, but I wish for Chrissakes you’d stop yammering on about it. I have obligations, obli-fucking-gations, and there’s no getting around them. If you think for one second that I’m … Read More

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Three Poems

Ad Pulcherissimam Fireassam Mariannam These humid days Tend to craze More than desert sun. But if her heat Will join this heat Then come come Delirium! The Beautiful Bain of My Existence (Jonesin’) We’re all struck soon or late, you … Read More

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Combing through the Dogpile

Alpha Dog, Nick Cassavetes’s new guns-‘n’-posses yarn, is predictably bad. That is to say, it fails where one might expect it to fail: cuts are alternately languid and meth-fueled, the dialogue stilted or overly gangish. In case you’re wondering, Justin … Read More

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An E-mail I Received from Barack Obama, Democratic Nominee for President of America

Dear Chris—

We’ve done it!

Or rather, I’ve done it—successfully completed my first debate with Sen. John McCain, whom I refer to as ‘John’ in order to seem familiar and approachable and non-Muslim.

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Lessons in Stupidity

“My eyes darted between the two security cameras on the roof. Despite feeling cynical lately about the effectiveness of government, I had a feeling that these cameras were both working and monitored around the clock. I felt so patriotic.”

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Fears, Beers, and Freshman Year

“Excuse me, do you have an extra cigarette?” I asked a woman outside New York Penn Station on my way home from Reunions in June. As I inhaled, the previous nine months began to transform from life to memory, things that were happening to things that had happened, becoming things that had happened to me rather than things I had made happen.

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An Apology

Two weeks ago, the October 4 issue of the Nassau Weekly ran a cover lamenting the entirely fictional passing of Juergen Habermas. While our last issue intended to remedy what was supposed to be a humorous presentation of our lack … Read More

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When I was 16, I was Hot

The first months of freshman year went by so quickly. I hooked up with the guy who became my boyfriend within days of arriving on campus, and my friends and I managed to garner the attention of what seemed like … Read More

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Will You Be My Valentine?

Porter White I believe. If Charlie Brown has his Great Pumpkin, I have my Valentine Rabbit. Annually on the lustful February V-day, the Rabbit, fluff-relative to the Tooth Fairy & Co., descends to my parents’ house and bestows enigmatic heart-shaped … Read More

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Breakfast-time

At dawn she sneaks blood oranges From the grange- Land, and the seeded pulp and the climbing (where the farmers’ fence is Rough) have painted orange- Red her picking arm. For several Mornings now I’ve seen her range Her pickings … Read More

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MONOLOGUES

“Zach Feig ’18 is organizing a staged reading of monologues, submitted anonymously by students at Princeton, about their struggles with eating, eating disorders, nutrition, weight loss, weight gain, and dieting. The project’s goal is to generate conversation and community around maintaining a healthy relationship with food. The Nassau Weekly has worked with Zach to showcase a small collection of these monologues, printed here, with a similar aspiration.”

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