Byline: Alex Jacobson

I Lied About Having A Bar Mitzvah

You might be left psychoanalyzing this one for years to come.

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Telescoping Morning

“In the succeeding entries, we telescope our mornings by recounting and recasting. Each succeeding morning of a series is composed in exactly half the number of words of the previous. Diminish with us below.”

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The Sculptures that Surround Us

Brief descriptions of artistic objects you walk past on Princeton’s campus.

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Spoilers Ahead: Riverdale Season 2 is a Soap Opera for a Younger Audience

In this new season, Riverdale’s soapy plot and neon-lit diner is su used with violence and vigilantism.

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Reckoning for the Hathahaters

Interrogating how and why Hollywood women fall out of public favor.

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In Search of the Best Açaí Bowl

“At Princeton, sometimes it feels as though carbs are ubiquitous. Sometimes it’s difficult to bring to mind the last time we ingested a fruit or vegetable that wasn’t in the form of ice cream or dried into a chip. This is exactly what made the introduction of açaí bowls to campus so exhilarating.”

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The Bees Are Trapped

Nicki Minaj, where are the bees? The bees are not in the trap— They are trapped in air that refuses to be their home.

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Mercury in Retrograde

“If I fit so perfectly into astrology’s puzzle, why wouldn’t everyone else?”

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Viral Voting

It’s like precept, but for campaign ads.

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Eugene

“I don’t think he would have been a loving father. He didn’t have it in him. I think he would have been too scared.”

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Peer Review

“Since the beginning of time, editors at The Nassau Weekly have taken their pens to each other’s Common Application Essays. And yes, The Nassau Weekly has been around since the beginning of time.”

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Home

“It wasn’t that I was self-conscious; rather, I recognized how ridiculous the scene must have looked. I was half dressed with tussled frosted tips and drooping bags under my eyes. They were fully uniformed, standing at least half a foot above me and simply staring at my unkempt figure.”

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