Author:

300 Erect Nipples

From the cinematic virtuosos who brought us Robocop 2 and 3 comes 300, a gripping tale of political intrigue, passionate romance, and fervent nationalism with, by broad consensus, fewer than thirty lines of intelligible dialogue. The majority of these preciously … Read More

by on

Tell Me Why

Gregg Gillis sits in the library of Terrace Club; a few minutes ago he was eating potatoes. He is of average height and has enormous white teeth. He speaks rapidly and giddily, as though school has just been cancelled.

by on

An Interview with a Solipsist

Q: What is a solipsist? A: Why are you asking me this? You know what a solipsist is. Q: Well, yes, but this is for the benefit of the readers, some of whom don’t know what solipsism is. A: It … Read More

by on

Buy, Princeton Buy!

You are enormously desirable. More desirable than you realize, even if you have an excess of confidence in your own good looks and god-given pheromones. In fact, you could be horribly maimed and they would still want you – not … Read More

by on

Goodbye, Princeton University

As any Princetonian who has followed the fates of Goldman Sachs and other bulge-bracket investment banks would know—given the 100 first-round interviews that Goldman gave out for summer internships, I’m assuming this group is sizeable—an increasingly disproportionate amount of these … Read More

by on

Bite My Scab, Blowhole!

Some years back, while browsing The Adventures of Pete and Pete fan sites (I obviously had lots of friends in high school), I happened upon one that listed the AIM screennames of several actors who played big roles on the show. I dutifully added the names to my buddy list – here were my true friends! – and waited patiently for the chance to badger them.

by on

Dr. David Bain, who made me pee in a cup

David Bain was a doctor, a world class physician. Just not by traditional standards. He had no degree, no formal training, no office with loud paper sheets, stethoscopes and tongue depressors and no tubs of biohazard sharps. But when he … Read More

by on

Trash Culture

On my way out from sipping a Go-Go Berry smoothie in Caravan of Dreams, one of East Village’s trendiest vegetarian eateries, I was surprised at the sight of several young people picking food out of the trash. It just so happens that Caravan of Dreams is just as famous for the freshness of its dumpsters as it is for the gourmet food on its menu.

by on

The Passion of Jack Bauer

All efforts to render politics aesthetic culminate in one thing: war.” -Walter Benjamin Nobody can accuse Jack Bauer of not having done enough for his country. He has killed more people than polio and saved more lives than Jonas Salk. … Read More

by on

MySpace Exhibitionism

Open Internet networks are so common these days that warnings about unwanted invasions of privacy have dimmed almost to silence. With people continually posting pictures of themselves, along with private information, on websites such as MySpace and Facebook, everyone has … Read More

by on

Slouching Towards the Television

My favorite thing to do is to lie on my back. When things need to be moved, say a piece of trash that is fermenting under my feet, I grunt and push it aside with my toe. My least favorite … Read More

by on

Total Clipse of the Heart

People – especially dopey, two-months-behind-the-times columnists like the New Yorker’s Sasha Frere-Jones – love making sweeping pronouncements about the nature of hip-hop. Music is a manifestation of the human creative spirit; it is born of a whole slew of political … Read More

by on