Dear Wise Wendy,

I can’t reach the top shelf in my house, but I need to get something out of it! What do I do?

From,

Shorty with a Problem

Dear Shorty,

I recommend you use a ladder or stand on the shoulders of someone taller.

Dear Wise Wendy,

You’re looking great today!

From,

Also Looking Good

Dear Also,

Thanks a lot for your question! I couldn’t help but notice how good you’re looking today. Is that gel in your hair, or are you just jelly to see me?

Dear Wise Wendy,

I want to get a tattoo. Any thoughts of what I should get, and where on my body I should get it?

From,

Tattoo-less

Dear Tattoo-less,

I would suggest some kind of awesome fairy/butterfly or cool star/moon combination. Or get your name on your lower back. Sure, it’s so tacky that it could pin a full-grown man up on a bulletin board, but it’s also so tacky that it’s classy. Reverse psychology. Who’s the tattoo now? Anyways, let me tell you the most basic rule about tattoos ever: no matter what you get and where you get it, make sure it’s symbolic in some way. Example: This key on the top of my ass crack is the key that represents the opening to my heart and to all of the jars in my house.

Dear Wise Wendy,

Does this look infected to you?

From,

Wondering about Infections

Dear Wondering,

Could you take off its hat first? Just so that I can see the head. Yes, that baby is infected.

Dear Wise Wendy,

Is it inappropriate to ask my preceptor to the Pi Phi formal? Should I do that?

From,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Hard to say in such a general way, but my guess is absolutely definitely no, it’s not inappropriate and yes, you should do that. If your preceptor is just a few years older than you then there’s no problem either way, but the older, the better. This is because most of the greatest love stories that I’ve ever known of involve a younger girl becoming involved with one of her teachers in some capacity. Sorry, did I say love stories? I meant distasteful pornos. But all the same, you know how the saying goes: porn knows. So follow your heart, ask her out, and the best of luck to you!

Dear Wise Wendy,

I have a pounding headache and it won’t go away! What do you suggest I do?

From,

My Head is Pounding

Dear My,

I would try Advil in this case, or Vitamin CM (Vitamin Cookie Monster!).