“Got a man in Japan and a dude in Tahiti,

Believe me sweety I got enough to feed the needy.”

Lil’ Kim, “The Jump Off”

I do have a man in Japan and a dude in Tahiti. The Tahitian natives are rather naïve and think it clever to call themselves by the general descriptor, “dude.” I often refer to this particular Tahitian by “Dude” in jest, and although he seems amused, I am unable to say whether Mondo fully appreciates the facetious nature of the nickname.

There is a gentleman in Baltimore with whom I occasionally share a bottle of Hipnotiq, but he and I do not often receive the pleasure of each other’s company as the rap circuit does not frequent the Maryland area. The last time I was there, however, he took me to a surprisingly good Asian fusion restaurant where, unbeknownst to my good-hearted companion, I engaged in an exciting and raucous bathroom escapade with two waiters, one seating hostess, and three exceptionally skilled members of the janitorial staff.

I have managed to form quite satisfactory relationships in all five of the New York City boroughs, concentrated, perhaps surprisingly, in Staten Island. I also have an extensive network of gentleman friends spread throughout the Tri-State Area, as I am there quite often and like to keep a diverse and well-rounded group of male callers at my disposal.

In Los Angeles, there is a charming and exceptionally well-regarded man with whom I engage in oral sex whenever I am in the area. He is considered – justifiably, as far as I can tell – the best cunnilingus artist outside of Africa, where continental differences in language formation reveal startling capabilities in both agility and flexibility of the lips and tongue.

My Japanese companion, whom I mentioned earlier, is a spry and well-formed student of acrobatics at the elite and highly competitive School of Circustry Arts. The school put on an impressive performance for myself and the G-Unit on our “Wanksta Wasians Tour” stop in Tokyo, after which I sent a note to Yoshi requesting his company in my luxurious hotel suite. His acrobatic prowess translates to skill and ingenuity in bed, and his intensive training has instilled in him an unimaginable work ethic and endurance which I have yet to encounter outside of the Orient.

In Abu Dhabi, I have become quite close with the descendant of a Shah. Muhammad and I often retire to one of his family’s seventeen leisure estates, where a wait staff of thirty to forty-five assures our comfort, usually closed in his private quarters, for up to ten days. I also have become acquainted with an oil mogul in Texas whose fire for cash is unlike anything I’ve witnessed in the rap world of ice and rims. Despite his roundness around the middle, Jeb’s thick southern drawl and willingness to spend inordinate amounts of money on me, coupled with the ferocity with which he attacks any goal – including yours truly – keep our time together exhilarating and consistently satisfying.

Contrary to my expectations, in the Netherlands I have established a number of successful connections with men who, despite their somewhat reserved nature, are, simply, exceptionally large. In Germany I have found that the rigidity of social relations can lead to a profound release in bed, creating an entire class of socially frustrated men whose primary source of energy displacement is the particularly rigorous physicality and violence of their fucking. Although one might expect similar socio-sexual phenomena in Japan, my experiences with Yoshi and others suggest to me that these tensions in Japan have manifested themselves quite differently, resulting in a proliferation not of an almost infeasible aggression, but rather a socially stunted and even childlike perversion and wonderment in regards to sexual intercourse.

After much consideration, I would conclude that my favorite intercourse destination must be settled in a tie. A number of factors (including, as previously mentioned, language differences) would point to South Africa as one of the clear winners. The specter of apartheid has left a significant number of resident white males with an attitude towards black women that can only be described as a mixture of distrust, repulsion, curiosity, and false altruism that leads to the most varied and exciting intercourse I have encountered in terms of emotion, aggression, foreplay, and speed. The other region of superior sexual skill is Siberia, which differentiates itself from the rest of the former USSR with its placement of prime importance on the creation of body heat. Simple geographical and climate-related factors have led the men of Siberia to develop a highly aerobic mode of intercourse which, as the sole source of heat production in their homes, they are able to maintain over unimaginable lengths of time and repeat after only very brief rests. Their style is so rigorous that even I, the indomitable Lil’ Kim, must sometimes request a water break. Or, preferably, Cristal.