1. The blood of your enemies
  2. Burning sage
  3. Burning feathers from a Pi Phi boa
  4. Burning desire, quenched in unutterable ways
  5. Ritually sacrificing a virgin in the Institute woods
  6. Ensuring the silence of all participants
  7. Conducting a séance to commune with your long-dead dignity
  8. Emailing a listserv about the dignity you lost at Cap (blue, quarter-zip, no questions asked!)
  9. Not going to Cap
  10. Loudly exclaiming that you are “NEVER drinking again” to at least three people
  11. Putting your regrettable hookup out with the trash
  12. Smirking at judgmental (jealous?) passersby
  13. Not texting him
  14. Being texted back
  15. Waking up next to someone you love
  16. Waking up to find that you didn’t post anything too tragic on social media
  17. Getting 100+ likes on a photo you Instagrammed while blackout
  18. Seeing that your ex viewed your entire SnapStory even though it was 100 seconds long
  19. A bead of dew sipped from your lover’s philtrum
  20. Male tears
  21. Female friendship
  22. Multiple orgasms
  23. Doing almost all the readings
  24. Staying in to work on your thesis instead of going out
  25. Getting engaged (intellectually)
  26. Waking up without crumbs in your bed
  27. Eating the crumbs in your bed because that’s about all your stomach can handle right now
  28. Licking the grout in a Holder shower
  29. A sincere apology
  30. A cashmere turtleneck
  31. A fleece onesie
  32. A prestige sweatshirt given as a sex souvenir
  33. An old priest and a young priest
  34. Speaking in tongues
  35. Touching tongues
  36. Getting a cootie shot
  37. A shard from the cross upon which Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior was crucified, crumbled over RoMa tofu scramble
  38. Sitting in the back of the chapel during morning mass and just listening to the music, looking up at the ceiling, not necessarily feeling like a part of the ritual itself but still appreciating the dedication that compels the faithful
  39. Being freed from religion, the opiate of the masses
  40. Opium, probably
  41. Sneaking liquids into Marquand
  42. An everything bagel with Tofutti and tomato from Absolute Bagels on the Upper West Side
  43. Walking back from some guy’s room and your hair is kind of rumpled but in a sexy way and your makeup has somehow softened to create a perfect smoky eye and you run into your ex and he says, “Hey—” and you just glare at him and he Facebook messages you later and you do not reply
  44. Deleting Facebook
  45. Dropping your eating club
  46. Being excommunicated from Theta
  47. Waking up on a top bunk in a Wilson eight like Oh sweet Christ what year is it and the boy offers to take you to Wu brunch and he’s actually, like, pretty lovely, damn, girl, nice work, and you spend two hours talking over excellent French toast and it’s not awkward at all
  48. Taking that boy to your roomy Pyne single and smooching him until he has to go volunteer at the local animal shelter
  49. Telling a censored version of this story to your kids in twenty years
  50. Waking up in Forbes but it’s the New Wing and he has a sparklingly clean bathtub and you soak in fragrant bubbles until you hear him leave
  51. An Agricola Bloody Mary followed by a Tico’s green juice followed by a Small World latte
  52. A U-Store coffee followed by a Wawa bear claw followed by a refreshing puke outside Blair Arch as tourists take selfies with you
  53. 100cc of Uracoan Rattlesnake venom, delivered intravenously
  54. Mainlining spirulina
  55. Gemma touching your butt at Gratitude
  56. The sandwich guy at Olives taking a full dollar off the price of your Santa Monica
  57. Brand loyalty
  58. Hot water with lemon, with vodka
  59. Tilda Swinton whisper-shrieking the entirety of Bald’s Leechbook in the original Old English
  60. Finding an earring you thought was lost forever
  61. A dining hall omelette that achieves the perfect balance of tenderness and structure
  62. Going vegan
  63. Stealing eight bananas from the dining hall
  64. Going back for thirds
  65. Touching a dog
  66. Walking a dog
  67. Stealing a stranger’s dog and at first the owner is angry but then they realize you clearly have a special bond and hand them over to you, forever
  68. A cat sleeping on your head
  69. Watching families’ small children bound through campus wearing matching Patagonias
  70. Sitting on the $800 Adirondack chairs in the McCosh quad, basking in the glory of your youth
  71. Being eighteen years old
  72. Sunglasses that block 100% of UVA, UVB, and SAE rays
  73. Smugness about one’s sexual conquests or relative restraint
  74. A scorching, forty-minute shower where you can think long and hard about what you’ve done
  75. Self-flagellation, using a Cottage lanyard
  76. FaceTiming your friends from bed even though you live two doors down from each other
  77. Any and all liquids consumed with a Theta twisty straw
  78. Thinking Theta
  79. Dean of the College Jill Dolan greeting you by name as you crawl past Nassau Hall
  80. A post-brunch nap that extends well into the night
  81. Shuffling off this mortal coil
  82. A new Game of Thrones episode
  83. Avocado on toast
  84. Looking at an Instagram of avocado on toast while puking into a toilet in the men’s room in — what is this? Laughlin? Is that the same as 1901?
  85. Knowing how you got there
  86. Working out
  87. Wearing workout clothes even though you’re not working out
  88. Breaking a sweat just thinking about the embarrassing shit you said last night
  89. Overwhelming anxiety not just about the day’s tasks but, like, your whole future, which supersedes any physical symptoms of a hangover
  90. A good hard cry
  91. A hearty laugh, followed by an existential sigh
  92. Clean sheets
  93. Sitting in the single toilet stall in the fourth-floor women’s bathroom in Pyne for half an hour, just scrolling through Twitter, ignoring the increasingly irate knocks on the door
  94. Scarfing down as many Tower muffins as you can manage before they realize you’re not a member
  95. Donating $7.95 to a charity of your choice instead of getting Olives
  96. Why not both?
  97. A long exhilarating gallop across the moors
  98. Remembering to water your plant that is somehow not dead yet and realizing, like, how different are you, really?
  99. Understanding the importance of self-care
  100. Reuniting your divorced parents
  101. Finally coming to terms with their breakup, because their current happiness is obviously far more important than your sweet but misguided childhood dreams
  102. Answering the call of the wild
  103. Ignoring a call from a trash boy
  104. Calling your grandmother
  105. Being Too Old for this Shit, Pull It Together Jesus Christ
  106. Dismantling the patriarchy
  107. Listening to NPR and realizing how insignificant your temporary pain is in the face of all the problems in the world
  108. Reading the Nassau Weekly on a hardwood table as the sun streams through the window and your lover makes coffee, humming Bon Iver
  109. Weed, shared with a close friend
  110. Vicodin left over from that time you got your wisdom teeth out during freshman year, which doesn’t, like, expire, right?
  111. Love, which comes in many shapes and sizes but sometimes like this: a night in with your friends, laughing till you cry, talking about the world and life and dreams until you fall into contented sleep, curled up in each other’s arms
  112. A swift, painless death
  113. Hydration