Ritually sacrificing a virgin in the Institute woods
Ensuring the silence of all participants
Conducting a séance to commune with your long-dead dignity
Emailing a listserv about the dignity you lost at Cap (blue, quarter-zip, no questions asked!)
Not going to Cap
Loudly exclaiming that you are “NEVER drinking again” to at least three people
Putting your regrettable hookup out with the trash
Smirking at judgmental (jealous?) passersby
Not texting him
Being texted back
Waking up next to someone you love
Waking up to find that you didn’t post anything too tragic on social media
Getting 100+ likes on a photo you Instagrammed while blackout
Seeing that your ex viewed your entire SnapStory even though it was 100 seconds long
A bead of dew sipped from your lover’s philtrum
Male tears
Female friendship
Multiple orgasms
Doing almost all the readings
Staying in to work on your thesis instead of going out
Getting engaged (intellectually)
Waking up without crumbs in your bed
Eating the crumbs in your bed because that’s about all your stomach can handle right now
Licking the grout in a Holder shower
A sincere apology
A cashmere turtleneck
A fleece onesie
A prestige sweatshirt given as a sex souvenir
An old priest and a young priest
Speaking in tongues
Touching tongues
Getting a cootie shot
A shard from the cross upon which Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior was crucified, crumbled over RoMa tofu scramble
Sitting in the back of the chapel during morning mass and just listening to the music, looking up at the ceiling, not necessarily feeling like a part of the ritual itself but still appreciating the dedication that compels the faithful
Being freed from religion, the opiate of the masses
Opium, probably
Sneaking liquids into Marquand
An everything bagel with Tofutti and tomato from Absolute Bagels on the Upper West Side
Walking back from some guy’s room and your hair is kind of rumpled but in a sexy way and your makeup has somehow softened to create a perfect smoky eye and you run into your ex and he says, “Hey—” and you just glare at him and he Facebook messages you later and you do not reply
Deleting Facebook
Dropping your eating club
Being excommunicated from Theta
Waking up on a top bunk in a Wilson eight like Oh sweet Christ what year is it and the boy offers to take you to Wu brunch and he’s actually, like, pretty lovely, damn, girl, nice work, and you spend two hours talking over excellent French toast and it’s not awkward at all
Taking that boy to your roomy Pyne single and smooching him until he has to go volunteer at the local animal shelter
Telling a censored version of this story to your kids in twenty years
Waking up in Forbes but it’s the New Wing and he has a sparklingly clean bathtub and you soak in fragrant bubbles until you hear him leave
An Agricola Bloody Mary followed by a Tico’s green juice followed by a Small World latte
A U-Store coffee followed by a Wawa bear claw followed by a refreshing puke outside Blair Arch as tourists take selfies with you
100cc of Uracoan Rattlesnake venom, delivered intravenously
Mainlining spirulina
Gemma touching your butt at Gratitude
The sandwich guy at Olives taking a full dollar off the price of your Santa Monica
Brand loyalty
Hot water with lemon, with vodka
Tilda Swinton whisper-shrieking the entirety of Bald’s Leechbook in the original Old English
Finding an earring you thought was lost forever
A dining hall omelette that achieves the perfect balance of tenderness and structure
Going vegan
Stealing eight bananas from the dining hall
Going back for thirds
Touching a dog
Walking a dog
Stealing a stranger’s dog and at first the owner is angry but then they realize you clearly have a special bond and hand them over to you, forever
A cat sleeping on your head
Watching families’ small children bound through campus wearing matching Patagonias
Sitting on the $800 Adirondack chairs in the McCosh quad, basking in the glory of your youth
Being eighteen years old
Sunglasses that block 100% of UVA, UVB, and SAE rays
Smugness about one’s sexual conquests or relative restraint
A scorching, forty-minute shower where you can think long and hard about what you’ve done
Self-flagellation, using a Cottage lanyard
FaceTiming your friends from bed even though you live two doors down from each other
Any and all liquids consumed with a Theta twisty straw
Thinking Theta
Dean of the College Jill Dolan greeting you by name as you crawl past Nassau Hall
A post-brunch nap that extends well into the night
Shuffling off this mortal coil
A new Game of Thrones episode
Avocado on toast
Looking at an Instagram of avocado on toast while puking into a toilet in the men’s room in — what is this? Laughlin? Is that the same as 1901?
Knowing how you got there
Working out
Wearing workout clothes even though you’re not working out
Breaking a sweat just thinking about the embarrassing shit you said last night
Overwhelming anxiety not just about the day’s tasks but, like, your whole future, which supersedes any physical symptoms of a hangover
A good hard cry
A hearty laugh, followed by an existential sigh
Clean sheets
Sitting in the single toilet stall in the fourth-floor women’s bathroom in Pyne for half an hour, just scrolling through Twitter, ignoring the increasingly irate knocks on the door
Scarfing down as many Tower muffins as you can manage before they realize you’re not a member
Donating $7.95 to a charity of your choice instead of getting Olives
Why not both?
A long exhilarating gallop across the moors
Remembering to water your plant that is somehow not dead yet and realizing, like, how different are you, really?
Understanding the importance of self-care
Reuniting your divorced parents
Finally coming to terms with their breakup, because their current happiness is obviously far more important than your sweet but misguided childhood dreams
Answering the call of the wild
Ignoring a call from a trash boy
Calling your grandmother
Being Too Old for this Shit, Pull It Together Jesus Christ
Dismantling the patriarchy
Listening to NPR and realizing how insignificant your temporary pain is in the face of all the problems in the world
Reading the Nassau Weekly on a hardwood table as the sun streams through the window and your lover makes coffee, humming Bon Iver
Weed, shared with a close friend
Vicodin left over from that time you got your wisdom teeth out during freshman year, which doesn’t, like, expire, right?
Love, which comes in many shapes and sizes but sometimes like this: a night in with your friends, laughing till you cry, talking about the world and life and dreams until you fall into contented sleep, curled up in each other’s arms
Ambitious. Original.