Some of our esteemed fellow publications within the literary Eden that is this campus have recently brought their keen eyes to sex, and what it is like to have it. They have prompted us to consider how it is similar to and different from “a non-consensual back rub,” “a bunch of furry parts superglued together,” “a coerced game of chess,” “my grabbing your hand and slapping you with it while yelling ‘stop hitting yourself,’”  “my forcibly but platonically sticking my thumb in your mouth.” In previous years, other publications have wondered if it may or may not be like “a steak.” At the Nassau Weekly, we know what sex is. Following are 107 things that sex with the Nassau Weekly staff is exactly like:

  1. Rolling down a grassy hill even though you know you’ll get itchy later
  2. Holding hands, but for married people
  3. Running up a down escalator
  4. Falling down an up escalator
  5. When a bee stops to drink nectar and gets pollen on its leg and then it goes to another flower and the pollen rubs off on that flower’s stigma
  6. A box of chocolates
  7. Getting to the cave and finding Jesus gone
  8. A bench
  9. A neon sign reading “PIZZA”
  10. Uncapping a bottle of beer by angling it against a table and hitting it when it was actually a twist-off
  11. Going to H&M
  12. When a dog sticks her head out the window of a truck to let the wind blow in her face, and another dog is doing the same thing in another truck, and they smell each other
  13. A high five, but not with your hands
  14. Flossing your teeth
  17. Spinning really fast on a stool in a diner
  18. Voting against your own country’s independence
  19. Adjusting the reed in your bassoon
  20. An anise swallowtail butterfly after its fifth instar, preparing to emerge from its chrysalis
  21. A retweet by someone you respect
  22. Doing laundry
  23. Cooking a casserole
  24. Swallowing sadness
  25. Clash of the colleges
  26. A bat mitzvah
  27. A Train song
  28. A baby eating a lemon for the first time
  29. Reaching expectantly into an empty box of tissues
  30. Foraging for mushrooms, blindfolded
  31. Finally removing that piece of lettuce caught in your teeth
  32. Trying on someone else’s glasses
  33. Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Holiday in the Sun
  34. Two-wheel drive
  35. When the hot boy studying across from you in the library brings his hands to his mouth and you watch him, ready to tell him “bless you” and then he only coughs, shooting you a quizzical look
  36. Touching E.T.’s finger
  37. Touching E.T.’s penis
  38. Taking out someone’s contact lenses for them
  39. Kirby
  40. “Ocean Avenue” by Yellowcard
  41. When you really want a song on Pandora and then it plays the live version and you accept it
  42. Putting coins in your piggybank and then breaking it a few hours later
  43. Adding mayonnaise to your sandwich
  44. Watching a movie with your parents, but instead of being “with your parents” you’re with someone who has not given you the miracle of life and instead of “watching a movie” you’re having sex
  45. Peeing in the shower
  46. Putting a toilet paper roll back on its holder
  47. Trying to get your shoelace back in the hole when the aglet is gone
  48. A Gogurt
  49. Trying to impress your preceptor
  50. Watching a raindrop slide down the car window, slowly, tortuously, before engulfing another raindrop
  51. Purchasing an Ikea bed called SPERKFLAN
  52. Constructing a piece of Ikea furniture
  53. A Slip’N Slide
  54. A wedgie
  55. A wedgie, but when your underwear is instead human genitalia
  56. Peeling Velcro reaaal slowly off a light-up sneaker
  57. Class warfare
  58. Successfully disposing of a body
  59. Getting to know each other slowly, developing a mutual friendship and respect before confessing your feelings
  60. Watching in horror as a python unhinges its jaw to swallow a deer whole
  61. Burly men heave-hoing sacks of flour
  62. Ray J’s other profession
  63. Nelly’s bandaid
  64. hangin with your mom
  65. Tight boxer briefs
  66. Taking NJ Transit
  67. That first breath of air when you break the water’s surface
  68. Drowning
  69. Making yourself vomit while blackout
  70. Meryl Streep reading a Philip Roth novella
  71. The first time you ever heard Drake sing
  72. Finally earning the respect of your father
  73. The summer of 2009, back when Becky still loved you
  74. Bicker, but with penetration.
  75. A white girl squirming as you say the word “moist” over and over
  76. Falling into the sky without time passing you by
  77. When your parents leave you to wait in line at the register, and the next person’s groceries are almost done scanning, and suddenly it’s just you and a cashier staring at you expectantly
  78. Getting an acceptable SAT score
  79. Realizing that someone replaced the one-ply toilet paper with two-ply in a certain stall
  80. Opening the dryer to touch your warm laundry
  81. Posters falling on you in the middle of the night
  82. A smile from old Aaron Carter
  83. Touching her in the blind dark, you alone in the universe, united, fleetingly
  84. The smell of French fries on your friend’s breath
  85. Borrowing an iPhone charger
  86. An email signature
  87. Sinking teeth into meat
  88. Knowing all the codes to the women’s bathrooms
  89. Inserting a footnote
  90. A Footnote inserting you
  91. Deleting Facebook
  92. Kneeling at the altar of an angry god
  93. Sleeping on your stomach with one leg bent, one leg extended
  94. A Lana del Rey song
  95. Rain, on your wedding day
  96. A free ride, when you’ve already paid
  97. The good advice, that you just didn’t take
  98. A traffic jam, when you’re already late
  99. A no smoking sign, on your cigarette break
  100. Ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife
  101. Meeting the man of your dreams, then meeting his beautiful wife
  102. That little Dutch boy who plugged a dike with his finger and saved Holland
  103. Being removed from the Nassau Weekly email list
  104. The Hokey Pokey
  105. Locking yourself inside of a carrel
  106. A prayer
  107. How every single YA novel told you it would be