I don’t know whether it’s the obsessive watching of VH1, the grim blasé attitude that comes with senioritis, or just general procrastinative malaise, but there’s been something in the air lately that has prompted me to think long and hard about the Secretly Sexy. You know what I mean: it’s that je ne sais quoi that attracts you to someone, the little things you can’t put your finger on when you’re talking about the object of your affection with your friends. It is the positive inverse of the Secretly Unsexy, that wealth of cultural ‘sexy’ stereotypes which are secretly not sexy at all.
In the spirit of journalistic investigation, through careful, scientific research, and by polling secretly sexy friends and staff members, we have amassed a Top-Forty list. Lest you find yourself concerned by our public exposure of these alleged secrets, rest assured: the items on the Sexy list are, if not classic enough to retain sexiness despite disclosure, at least the type of sexy that only gets sexier when discussed in a public forum. There’s nothing lewd about the Secretly Sexy; that’s part of what makes it secret.
Secretly Sexy:
1. drinking out of a milk carton
2. thin, worn cotton tee shirts
3. chapped lips
4. the husky morning after partying voice
5. guys talking about their little sisters
6. the signature “warm regards”
7. the secret smile, the nose wiggle, winking
8. love handles (on girls)
9. middle names
10. the between-the-brow wrinkle
11. bitten fingernails
12. laughing with your mouth wide open (by accident)
13. touching the tip of your own nose
14. the oboe
15. bad hair
16. elbows
17. smooth-talkin’whig-clio debaters
18. clumsiness
19. gloves and mittens
20. blond hair with really obvious roots
21. burping
22. eating cheeseburgers and other types of meat
23. wearing basically the same outfit every day
24. the third hook-up
25. using the name of the person you’re speaking to
26. spaghetti
27. riding the Dinky
28. making eye contact
29. skinny girls with bad posture
30. normal-sized girls with excellent posture
31. big dogs
32. fraternities
33. Mr. Clean
34. mineral water
35. big men holding small children
36. bad jokes, told with gusto
37. chewing with one’s mouth closed
38. watching someone think
39. the phrase ‘get yo’ freak on’
40. dancing with a deadpan