A dark-haired pet I didn’t account for when selecting my all-white clothing palette for the year
Not putting on “The Sign” by Ace of Base at a pregame in the room when I explicitly asked for it and know it would be the exact right thing to turn this themed pregame around
I came home and there was blood in the sink
I came home and there was ink in the sink
I came home and there was no sink
Sexiling me on a full moon
Sexiling me at any time related to my moon sign
Sexiling me to hook up with someone not compatible with my moon sign
Sexiling me to hook up with someone not compatible with his moon sign
Dressing as Harambe for Halloween
Sighing a little too heavily
Keeping up with the Kardasians a little too well
His “replica” of The Declaration of Independence hanging on the wall looks a little too real
Being Zach Cohen
Looking better than me in anything
Being better than me at anything
Suggesting my competitiveness is unhealthy
Walking into the room while I’m on the phone with my therapist
Eavesdropping on my conversation with my therapist
Confronting me for shit-talking my roommates with my therapist
Refusing to sell me Adderall
Held a pregame and didn’t invite me
I found out he was originally Class of 1917 and had died in there and was literally haunting me
Trying to annul the marriage I hypnotized him into
Leaving our entire room under a thin blanket of protein powder
Taking an Uber from TI to Ivy
Peeing on me while I was asleep
Starting a cult called Los Hermanos de los Espárragos Frecuentado
Not joining my rival cult with the same name but more S&M
The divorce
Asserting her masculinity
Wishing me a Shabbat Shalom on a Wednesday
Wishing me a Shabbat Shalom on Shabbat
Leaving “The Case for Christ” on my pillow
Wore my Nirvana t-shirt without permission
Reminded me that I own a Nirvana t-shirt
I need the room tonight
I need a womb tonight
Narcissism (hers)
Narcissism (mine)
I am aroused in her presence and don’t know how to handle myself
“I’m a poet”
“I’m a libertarian”
“I’m a free thinker”
Setting an alarm for 6:00 and letting it ring for half an hour
Starting the day with silent masturbation as alarm continues to ring
Our bedspreads clash, which wasn’t an issue before, but now that everything is falling apart I just need a little order in my life, and is that too much to ask for after everything I’ve been through?
Drinking my alcohol when I’m out
Drinking my alcohol when I’m in
Starting the day by brazenly drinking my alcohol in front of me, as alarm continues to ring.
Being a fuck
Fucking a being
“Please remove me from the listserv thank you”
“…just called to talk, I don’t have a roommate”
Setting the thermostat to 50 degrees
Setting the thermostat to 90 degrees
Hiding yesterday’s Late Meal in my sock drawer
Hiding her collection of crushed beetles in my sock drawer
Hiding in my sock drawer
Sleep-talking in multiple foreign languages
Sleepwalking over to my side of the room and just standing there.
Awkward eye contact
Contributing actively and/or passively to heteronormative culture
Contributing actively and/or passively to gender-normative culture
Contributing actively in precept
Contributing more actively than me in precept
Having parents who’ll visit for parents’ weekend
Having parents who steal my allergy medication and still sneeze
without covering their orifices
Having parents
Shitting the bed (figuratively)
Ibid. (literally)
Oriental rugs
Orientalist rugs
I am heavy with child and will need the extra room in 9 months