HE MAKE IT RAIN HE MAKE IT RAIN HE MAKE IT RAIN HE MAKE IT RAIN—GEORGE BUSH
“[T]his is a final verdict on the failed economic policies of the last eight years… that essentially said that we should strip away regulations, consumer protections, let the market run wild, and prosperity would rain down on all of us.” When reached for comment, George Bush replied, “I’m in this bitch with the Terra / got a handful of stacks, better grab an umbrella,” to which Dick Cheney added, “I pack an eleven.”
THE COMEDIC DEVICE OF SWAPPING RACIAL IDIOMS—RACIST AND CHEAP
Sorry.
BEST BODY LANGUAGE—BARACK OBAMA
It’s just so understatedly sexual.
BEST BODY—BARACK OBAMA
For a skinny guy, he’s got pecs.
FIRST BALD, OLD, HEAVY QUESTIONER—ALLEN SHAFFER
Egg-headed, retirement glasses with a reinforcement bar, tan suit.
JUST SPUTTERING WITH LOVE FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AS WELL AS UNCERTAINTY ABOUT HOW TO CONSTRUCT HIS SENTENCES—JOHN MCCAIN
“[The American workers are] the most innovative. They’re the best—they’re the most—we’re the best exporters. We’re the best importers. They’re the most effective. They are the best workers in the world. And we’ve got to give them a chance. They’ve got—we’ve got to give them a chance.”
FIRST SIGN OF JOHN MCCAIN’S SATISFACTION AT HIS OWN HUMOR—A SMALL AGGRESSSIVE HEAD-NOD
The joke: “And Senator Obama, it’s good to be with you at a town hall meeting.” (All this summer McCain requested that Obama meet with him weekly for town hall debates; Obama refused).
FIRST SIGN OF JOHN MCCAIN’S DISSATISFACTION AT HIS OWN HUMOR—DOWNCAST LOOK WITH A LACK OF OWNERSHIP
Brokaw: “Who do you have in mind to appoint to [Treasury Secretary]?”
McCain: “Not you, Tom.”
DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THE MAGIC OF LEARNING—JOHN MCCAIN
Obama voted for $3 million for “an overhead projector at a planetarium in Chicago, Illinois,” to which McCain said: “My friends, do we need to spend that kind of money?” Yes! Planetariums are great. They inculcate a sense of wonder at the universe and a humble awareness of the smallness of mankind. They also sometimes have laser-light shows accompanied by Pink Floyd albums.
NUMBER OF TIMES TOM BROKAW WAS A LITTLE BITCH ABOUT RULES—ELEVEN
TOO OLD TO REMEMBER THREE THINGS AT ONCE—JOHN MCCAIN
Seriously, he was asked the order he would prioritize three issues (health care, energy, and entitlement reform), and he reached for his fucking pen and had to ask Brokaw to repeat them—all so that he could answer, “I think we can work on all of them at once.”
THE GREATEST GENERATION DEMANDS MORE BLOOD—FEED THEM YOUR YOUTH
78-year old Fiorra from Chicago asked: “Since World War II, we have never been asked to sacrifice anything to help our country, except the blood of our heroic men and women. As president, what sacrifices will you ask every American to make?
FIRST 9/11 REFERENCE—BARACK OBAMA, GODDAMN IT
C’mon.
THE GREATEST FORCE FOR GOOD IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD—AMERICA
THE SECOND, THIRD, AND FOURTH GREATEST FORCES FOR GOOD IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD—MOTHERS, JESUS, AND SEXUAL SATISFACTION
SOMETIMES THE GOVERNMENT WORKS A LITTLE BIT LIKE TEENAGE PREGNANCY—MCCAIN WANTS TO ABORT IT
After his spending freeze, we’ll no longer have government business “done behind closed doors,” no more “shoving earmarks in the middle of the night into programs we don’t even—sometimes we don’t even know about until months later.”
SECOND SIGN OF JOHN MCCAIN’S SATISFACTION AT HIS OWN HUMOR—QUICK RASPS OF BREATH
“Hey, I’ll answer the question!” And then he breathed for a little bit, spoke, and did not answer the question.
REALLY IMPLAUSIBLE FROM SUCH AN OLD MAN—“OUR BEST DAYS ARE AHEAD OF US”
Maybe a thousand or two more, to be precise.
SECOND BALD OLD HEAVY QUESTIONER—TERRY SHIREY
Goatee, heavy-cheeked, a pretty awful pink shirt.
THIRD SIGN OF JOHN MCCAIN’S SATISFACTION AT HIS OWN HUMOR—A JOWEL-WIDENING
“I introduced the first legislation [to cap carbon dioxide emissions], and we forced votes on it. That’s the good news, my friends. The bad news is we lost.”
SO GODDAMN CONTEMPTUOUS AND ENTITLED HE WON’T EVEN USE NORMAL THIRD-PERSON LANGUAGE—JOHN MCCAIN
“You know who voted for it? That one.”
FOURTH SIGN OF JOHN MCCAIN’S SATISFACTION AT HIS OWN HUMOR—A QUIET LITTLE “OKAY”
“Hey, Tom, wave like that, and I’ll look at you. Okay.”
JUST PICTURE THE MAN BENDING OVER AND OFFERING YOU A PIECE OF CANDY—JUST PICTURE IT
“It was an energy bill on the floor of the Senate loaded down with goodies.”
SECOND SIGN OF JOHN MCCAIN’S DISSATISFACTION AT HIS OWN HUMOR——JUST GOING ON AS IF IT DIDN’T HAPPEN
“All of those people will be covered except for those who have these gold-plated, Cadillac kinds of policies. You know, like hair transplants. I might need one of those myself, but the point is…”
THE CANDOR AND COMPASSION YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR—BARACK OBAMA
No jokes now: Did you hear how the audience sighed when Obama said, without hesitation, that health care should be a right for every American? It’s as if there’s been a corrupt and mendacious movement controlling discourse for the last thirty years, and someone finally spoke in the terms Americans have been waiting to use.
A STINKING CORSPE—ISRAEL
Says Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, I mean. Not the Nassau Weekly. It is the opinion of the Nassau Weekly that Israel is a wounded accident improbably aging into a healthy, amoral old age.
FIFTH SIGN OF JOHN MCCAIN’S SATISFACTION AT HIS OWN HUMOR—A GRIN, A GLANCE TO THE LEFT AND A GLANCE TO THE RIGHT, A SNICKER
“Before we leave that, did we hear the size of the fine?”
WORST JOURNALIST IN THE BIZ—TOM BROKAW
“This requires only a yes or a no. … Do you think Russia under Vladimir Putin is an evil empire?” Just because the man fellated the largest generation at their peak of self-satisfaction doesn’t mean we need to keep on inviting him back to these things.