Dear Reader,
Ca: I think we need to have a talk.
Cb: What about?
Ca: I didn’t actually call you in here to take a shower. I called you in here for something else.
Cb: What’s that?
Ca: I called you in here because I think you have a drinking problem.
Cb: I don’t have a drinking problem.
Ca: I wanted to get you far enough away from your bottle that you couldn’t go running to it the moment this conversation started heading a direction you didn’t want it to go—oh, real classy! You brought a half-full bottle of JD with you. You brought your bottle into the bathroom, in your shower caddy. Nice.
Cb: So?
Ca: So, you don’t think there’s a chance you drink too much?
Cb: I think there’s a chance you think I drink too much. I don’t think that really means much, though.
Ca: Well, for example, you’re drunk right now. It’s eight in the morning.
Cb: You’re drunk at the eight in the morning.
Ca: No, I’m not.
Cb: No, I’m not. No, you’re not.
Ca: Last night you told me that you were so blackout that you were almost happy.
Cb: I saw you last night? I don’t remember seeing you—so fun! Did we have fun together?
Ca: It was okay. Mostly it wasn’t. You threw up on me and told me I looked ugly.
Cb: Oh.
Ca: Then you told a girl I was trying to hook up with that I had a small penis.
Cb: Sorry.
Ca: Also, when I tried to help you get up after falling into three Pi Phis, you stomped on my leg until the bone shattered.
Cb: Oh, is that what that cast’s for?
Ca: I’m not coming to you as an enemy. I’m coming to you as a concerned friend, as someone who wants to help you because I don’t think you’re helping yourself.
Cb: What about the time I helped you move your couch into your apartment?
Ca: What do you mean? That was nice of you.
Cb: What about the time I lent you twenty dollars for you to spend on your girlfriend for her birthday? Or that time I gave you a piece of Peppermint Orbit Gum?
Ca: Why are you bringing those things up? Did I not pay you back?
Cb: I’m a good friend.
Ca: What? No, I know you are—I’m confused. Why are you listing the ways you’ve been a good friend to me? I’m trying to be a good friend to you right now.
Cb: You never paid me back from Sophia’s birthday.
Ca: Yes, I did. I paid you back the next day.
Cb: So to get back at you I slept with Sophia.
Ca: What?! When?
Cb: Last night, after you stomped on my leg.
Ca: You stomped on my leg!
Cb: Look, honestly, dude? I really appreciate you trying to help me take a shower, but I’m just not really in the mood. I’m way hungover. Plus, I know how to shower on my own—if you need to borrow more money for Sophia or something, just come right out and say it. Also, can I have my caddy back? If I’m going to get blackout by evening, I’ll need to take that into the shower with me. (Takes caddy) Thanks, man.
–Eds.