Can’t listen to the kid next to me clear his throat again.
“Interesting.”
Olives fucked up my order.
My shoelaces keep coming untied.
My friend at GW is live streaming his radio show and he promised me he’d play Wagon Wheel.
Too much dairy.
Couldn’t post bail.
My mom called.
Your mom called.
My dog ate my hands.
My dog broke my heart.
An asteroid landed in my dorm room.
My roommate is stuck under an asteroid.
I have been abducted by aliens.
I am abducting some aliens and I don’t know if I’ll ever get another opportunity like this.
Someone’s got my nose.
Everything is illuminated, and I can’t find my sunglasses.
I had a thing.
I had a stroke.
I had a stroke of genius.
Hurricane.
Searching for lost dog.
Searching for lost dignity.
Lost myself to dance.
Lost my anal beads. I think I know where.
Got lost thinking about the prospect of exploring your bod.
Need a break from your bullshit Kantianism.
Got PMCed and the ambulance won’t give me a lift back to campus.
Life begins at forty.
I fought the law and the law won.
Almost achieved sex.
Almost achieved.
Trying to find the easiest section with the dumbest competition.
Just not feeling it.
I’m sick of precept, let’s just get to the cept already.
Don’t worry, I’ll stop by the post-cept.
Testicular torsion.
A dose of whimsy.
The dining hall had guacamole.
I’m actually just the janitor.
I had to go see about a girl.
Goldman coffee date supersedes all academic obligations.
I’ll just Skype in from my bed.
Waiting for sum1 cute 2 txt me.
Accidentally sexted you.
Very-much-on-purpose sexted you in exchange for “full participation.”
Have sexually objectified you to the point that I am unable take you seriously as an academic authority.
Woke up this morning having transformed into a gigantic insect.
Santa isn’t real.
Please contact university spokesman Martin Mbugua for further comment.
Wanna eat my Fage but it’s gonna go bad.
Wanna eat my peanut butter but you’re allergic to peanut butter.
Got peanut butter in my mouth and it’s hard to talk.
Got peanut butter on my shirt and frankly it’s embarrassing.
I observe all religious holidays and today is Christmas for Wiccans.
Tweaking on bai5.
I can’t stop listening to “Mirrors.”
I literally can’t stop listening to “Mirrors” because someone fused my headphones to my ears.
Too busy collecting evidence for my sexual harassment suit against you (call me).
I don’t have a pen and I don’t know anyone well enough to ask for one.
Readings made me understand the futility of life; will not attend precept until you convince me life is worth living.
I entered a window well while looking around a building, but then a group of people were passing by, so I planned to stay hidden until they passed, but instead they sat near the window well and started talking, and I was waiting until they left so they wouldn’t know I was there, but 10 minutes of conversation turned into 30 and into an hour, and now here I am, stuck (call me).
Didn’t get a callback from Tapcats :-/
Focusing on my other precept which is all freshmen who I can stunt on with my mastery of words like “paradigm.”
Focusing on the hottie who always sits in Frist at the same time precept is scheduled and once made eye contact with me so I figure I have a pretty good shot.
My roommate is testifying against me because I’m weird, so I’m going through a lot right now ok.
I promised the other preceptor I’d come.
The other preceptor promised me I’d come.
The other preceptor is smarter, more attractive, generally of higher quality.
The other preceptor promised me wonton soup.
Ran out of clean underwear.
I literally just found out I’m gay.
I have to testify against my weird roommate.
I’m boycotting Tuesday because it is racist.
I’m boycotting Wednesday because I disagree with its stance on abortion.
Thursday owes me 30 bucks.
I slipped on a banana peel and hit my head.
Now I can’t remember how to peel a banana.
Then a giant thought I was a banana and peeled my skin off.
I literally just found out my dad is my mom and my mom is my dad and they both got sex changes right after I was born.
I set fire to the rain this morning and fire safety found out.
I find the shape of your facial hair distasteful and offensive.
Your ties fucking suck.
You’re going to jail, bro.
I don’t associate with criminals.
Allergic to sunlight.
Allergic to judgment.
I’m getting my butt checked for real bad stuff.
I eloped!
The oracle of Delphi said I shouldn’t go to precept.
My mother, Venus, gave me a shield showing my future, and this precept wasn’t on it.
I had a dream involving a snake, so clearly that’s not a good sign.
The other preceptor is a native English speaker and I’m sorry but this week I just can’t.
Someone spat game on me and I need to clean it off.
I have jury duty.
I am too high.
I am not high enough.
My outfit is too matchy-matchy.
I am being fashionably late.
I am heavy with child.
Busy searching for emotional fulfillment in the hookup culture.
I couldn’t understand the readings because I’m a woman.
I couldn’t understand the readings because I’m a woman and they’re written in Penis.
I can’t understand women because I’m a penis and I don’t know how to read.
Too #turntup.
Forgot to check my goddamn privilege.
Forbes turned into a 3rd world country and they won’t let me back into America.
Your head is so far up your own ass that I legitimately thought you wouldn’t notice if I was there or not.
I am stalking Brian Reilly.
I remembered time is a human construct.
If I did not attend a precept, did it really happen?
A tree fell in the woods and frightened me with the loud noise that it made.
A tree fell in the woods and is impeding my journey.
Precept isn’t learning in its true form because it’s once removed from lecture, which is once removed from knowledge.