Byline: staff

Top Ten Leslie Bernard-Joseph Pick-up Lines:

1. I don’t know about Princeton in the Nation’s Service, but I’m at your service anytime. 2. Did you know I was president of the BSU? As in, I’m black and single, you? 3. Step into the ex-com office and … Read More

by on

The 26th Annual Nass 100

1) Whatever ancient crime forever embittered the staff of Thai Village.
2) The Princeton Tiger’s obsession with third floor bicker. You guys are in Tower, assholes.
3) People who, when you tell them that snot tastes better than earwax, say “Yuck” and pretend they’ve tasted neither.

by on

In the House of the Rising Sun

Mardi Gras never defined my image of New Orleans. To me Mardi Gras was a cliché that was not quite rooted in a city so steeped in two things above all else: food and jazz. Mardi Gras was to New Orleans like a Carnivale mask, worn on one night and then discarded.

by on

The Final Countdown

I love this show as much as FOX hates it, which is a lot. I mean, running the last four new episodes all at once, up against the opening ceremonies of the OLYMPICS?!

by on

The Nass 100

1. Natalee Holloway. 2. James Taylor, and the giant pussies who love James Taylor. 3. Wasps who give “spiels”. 4. My roommates using my Ann Coulter poster as a jizz-rag. 5. That one kid who finished Infinite Jest. 6. Vaguely … Read More

by on

The Nass Weekly’s Weekly Diet

Hey there, Students. Are you feeling a little, well, chubbly-wubbly? Are your ankles a bit cankly? Are your hips bulbous and obscene? Are your cheeks filled to bursting with pie? Here at the Nassau Weekly we feel comfortable enough to … Read More

by on

The Nass Weekly’s Weekly Diet

Heya Hippos! It’s a brand new week, and that means a brand new opportunity to eat less than you did last week. How much did you eat last week, anyway? It’s okay, you can tell us. I bet it was more than enough.

by on

Nassau Weekly’s Weekly Diet

Oh Gross. We accidentally just looked at you and your fatness grossed us out. Big time. Well, because we here at the Nassau Weekly are bonded together by a spirit of philanthropy and kindness, we are going to give you what you so desperately need: A brand new diet.

by on

The Nass Weekly’s Weekly Diet

“‘Ere we come, ‘ere we come, ‘ere we come to eat some snacks!” That’s the song you sing as you roll your way to the feeding tubes, you glutinous masses of orca-fat-fattened lard-balls! And what do you have to say for yourselves? Nothing, because your mouths are blocked up by the pendulous weight of your sagging cheeks and you have forgotten all words except “more” and “a little bit more” and “perhaps just another dollop.”

by on

Top 23 Ways to Kill Your Lover

We at The Nass are in the business of maintaining our cherished readership’s happiness in all walks of life, and with Valentine’s Day a recent but no less traumatic event of the past, we understand how draining (both emotionally and … Read More

by on

The Bierderman Ipod Gospel

So we’ve all seen Rob Biederman’s egg-hunt email. It got us to thinking…what if the USG reconceived every important holiday? A few ideas: Ash Wednesday: You and a group of friends attend 8 a.m. mass. After applying the soot, a … Read More

by on

Week in Review

It came to (and, it should be noted, faded from) the national attention that San Diego resident John Corcoran taught high school in California for 17 years without being able to read, write, or spell. A college graduate, Corcoran’s secret … Read More

by on